Addiction jokes

This is how I got [redacted]

If sugar is a drug, does that mean putting it in coffee is overdose?

Do you know what the equivalent to hell is these days?

1. Listening to your teacher.

2. Not having your phone/game/TV.

3. Not having nicotine.

I saw a sign the other day that said "Maximum penalty for smoking is £1,000."

But that's not right. Surely the maximum penalty for smoking is Death.

A guy dies and finds himself in Hell. Despondent, he sits on the ground and weeps uncontrollably.

Demon: "Why so sad, my friend?"

Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

Demon: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?"

Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."

Demon: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do, is drink. Whiskey, tequila, vodka, beer... We drink till we throw up and then drink some more."

Guy: "Gee, that sounds great!"

Demon: "You a smoker?"

Guy: "You better believe it."

Demon: "Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our fucking lungs out. If you get cancer, it's ok, you're already dead!"

Guy: "Golly."

Demon: "I bet you like to gamble."

Guy: "Yes, as a matter of fact, I do."

Demon: "Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it."

Guy: "Wow."

Demon: "You like to do drugs?"

Guy: "Well, I love to do drugs. You don't mean..."

Demon: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a joint the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's ok... You're already dead!"

Guy: "Neat! I never realized hell was such a swingin' place!"

Demon: "You gay?"

Guy: "Uh, no."

Demon: "Ohhh... You're gonna hate Fridays...."

You do 1 line, you're not a crackhead. You drink 1 beer, you're not an alcoholic. But I murder 1 person...

What do you call a religious drug addict?

A crystal methodist.

A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So, she gets a divorce.

"Just say no to drugs!"

Well, if I'm talking to my drugs, I probably already said yes.

I told my friend you should definitely quit smoking, but he could not find me because he was already up in flames.

Why should you shoot a homeless crackhead in the head?

Because they're basically zombies.

How do you know the hooker killed herself?

She sniffed the line off the dresser you said not to touch.

Don't give emos crack, they're high enough.

I have an addiction to cheddar cheese, but it's only mild.

Why can't Juice WRLD hit rock bottom?

Because he's too high.

Roses are red, flowers naturally cannot be black.

I heard that your dad's in jail for selling crack!

You look like a heroin addict in a women's refuge.

One day a man was fixing a car, and he accidentally got brake oil in his mouth. He was about to spit it out, but then he thought, "Hmm, this tastes pretty good!" So he would keep drinking brake oil. But his friends were getting worried about him, and they were like, "Dude, this can't be healthy." But he said, "Don't worry. I can STOP anytime."

My dad: You better wear flip-flops everywhere.

Suicidal son: Goes to crack alley.

Me and my wife decided we would only smoke after sex.

I'm still on the first pack. She's up to 2 packs a week.