Addiction jokes

How can you tell if someone Amish is an alcoholic? They keep falling off the wagon.

Alcoholics don't run in my family, they drive.

How do you know the hooker killed herself?

She sniffed the line off the dresser you said not to touch.

A guy walks into an AA meeting and asks for a road map.

I'm gonna make a documentary about meth-addicted prostitutes.

I think I'll call it "Whores on Ice."

What song did Whitney Houston listen to while doing cocaine?

"Run It!" by Chris Brown.

I have had an obsession with soap. Don’t worry, I am all clean now!

Q: Why did the fault line start acting crazy?

A: Because it was on crack.

My brother's addicted to buying ladders; he loves to get high.

What's a duck's favorite drug?

Cwack.

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families, and careers.

Do you know what the equivalent to hell is these days?

1. Listening to your teacher.

2. Not having your phone/game/TV.

3. Not having nicotine.

Why is pounding your mom like playing video games?

Because once you start, you just can’t stop until you win!

Vape company: Hey, want some lung cancer and a nicotine addiction?

Teens: NO WAY!

Vape company: But it’s mango flavored!

Teens: O OK. 😤

A guy dies and finds himself in Hell. Despondent, he sits on the ground and weeps uncontrollably.

Demon: "Why so sad, my friend?"

Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

Demon: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?"

Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."

Demon: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do, is drink. Whiskey, tequila, vodka, beer... We drink till we throw up and then drink some more."

Guy: "Gee, that sounds great!"

Demon: "You a smoker?"

Guy: "You better believe it."

Demon: "Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our fucking lungs out. If you get cancer, it's ok, you're already dead!"

Guy: "Golly."

Demon: "I bet you like to gamble."

Guy: "Yes, as a matter of fact, I do."

Demon: "Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it."

Guy: "Wow."

Demon: "You like to do drugs?"

Guy: "Well, I love to do drugs. You don't mean..."

Demon: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a joint the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's ok... You're already dead!"

Guy: "Neat! I never realized hell was such a swingin' place!"

Demon: "You gay?"

Guy: "Uh, no."

Demon: "Ohhh... You're gonna hate Fridays...."

What do alcoholics and gas prices have in common?

They both get really high.

I have an addiction to cheddar cheese, but it's only mild.

Why can't you say hi to a drug addict?

They'll say "yea."

I told my friend you should definitely quit smoking, but he could not find me because he was already up in flames.

Why do people shake cigarette boxes?

To wake up the cancer.