Actuality jokes
What's the difference between Nickelback and a nickel?
A nickel is actually metal.
Vegan is actually an old Indian word for "bad hunter."
Disabled man stands up.
Blind man: “You can stand?”
Deaf man: “You can see?”
Mute man: “You can hear?”
Disabled man: “You can talk?”
Doctor: “What the actual fuck?”
Other doctor: “FUCK THIS, I QUIT!”
Teacher, there are 3 birds. 1 gets shot. How many are left?
Student, none. They flew off because the shot scared them off.
Teacher, actually 2, but I like the way you think.
5 minutes later
Student, there are 3 women eating ice cream. 1 is licking it, 1 is drinking it melted, and 1 is sucking it. Which one is married?
Teacher, the one sucking it?
Student, no, the one with the ring, but I like the way you think.
Mom: That's why your dad left you.
Me: Why?
Mom: I mean look at you, depressed, suicidal, and unhappy, always anxious, and other mental health issues.
Me: How is that my fault? You are a rude mom!
Mom: Your dad had a heart attack two weeks before you were born, because you are ugly!
(This actually did happen in real life.)
Memes
Two atom soldiers are fighting against an army. One gets shot. He cried out, "I'm hit! I think I've lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?" asks the other.
"I'm positive!"
Me: *listening to music under a tree and smiling*
Random person who sees me: Awwww look at him, he looks so so happy ^w^
Me: *actually listening to depressing music that makes me wanna kill and end myself but just smiles to show that everything's gonna be fine even if it won't*
I’ve got a joke about Alzheimers.
Um.
Oh no. I can’t actually remember it.
I wish the doctor would prescribe me some medicine that's actually useful, like cyanide.
You're so skinny, your mom actually enjoyed your birth!
What is the difference between an apple and an orphan?
Apples actually get picked.
- What did the skeleton say to his friend?
- Actually... TIBIA honest, I don't know how to complete this joke...
What's the difference between Paul Walker and a PC?
When my PC crashes, I actually give a fuck.
What’s the difference between Stephen Hawking and a refrigerator?
The fridge actually runs.
Why aren’t koalas actual bears?
They don’t meet all the koalifications!
Why did my boyfriend leave me?
Because he's gay.
But why did he come back to me?
Because I'm actually a guy :-)
I am going to be a ghost for Halloween. I actually want to be a ghost every day, because at least I'd be dead.
What do an orphan and an apple not have in common?
The apple actually gets picked.
What is the difference between an adopted kid and an orphan?
If you're adopted, you're actually wanted.
Why don't churches have WiFi?
They can't compete with an invisible force that actually works.