Actuality jokes
What is the difference between an orphan and a cat?
The cat is actually cute.
What's the difference between puppies and orphans?
Puppies actually get picked.
When you think you're depressed, but you know you're probably just using depression to be lazy and self-loathing, but then you realize that it, in itself, might actually be a symptom of depression.
Well gang, it looks like we've got another mystery on our hands!
Disabled man stands up.
Blind man: “You can stand?”
Deaf man: “You can see?”
Mute man: “You can hear?”
Disabled man: “You can talk?”
Doctor: “What the actual fuck?”
Other doctor: “FUCK THIS, I QUIT!”
Teacher, there are 3 birds. 1 gets shot. How many are left?
Student, none. They flew off because the shot scared them off.
Teacher, actually 2, but I like the way you think.
5 minutes later
Student, there are 3 women eating ice cream. 1 is licking it, 1 is drinking it melted, and 1 is sucking it. Which one is married?
Teacher, the one sucking it?
Student, no, the one with the ring, but I like the way you think.
Mom: That's why your dad left you.
Me: Why?
Mom: I mean look at you, depressed, suicidal, and unhappy, always anxious, and other mental health issues.
Me: How is that my fault? You are a rude mom!
Mom: Your dad had a heart attack two weeks before you were born, because you are ugly!
(This actually did happen in real life.)
Two atom soldiers are fighting against an army. One gets shot. He cried out, "I'm hit! I think I've lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?" asks the other.
"I'm positive!"
Me: *listening to music under a tree and smiling*
Random person who sees me: Awwww look at him, he looks so so happy ^w^
Me: *actually listening to depressing music that makes me wanna kill and end myself but just smiles to show that everything's gonna be fine even if it won't*
I’ve got a joke about Alzheimers.
Um.
Oh no. I can’t actually remember it.
- What did the skeleton say to his friend?
- Actually... TIBIA honest, I don't know how to complete this joke...
You're so skinny, your mom actually enjoyed your birth!
I wish the doctor would prescribe me some medicine that's actually useful, like cyanide.
What is the difference between an apple and an orphan?
Apples actually get picked.
What's the difference between Paul Walker and a PC?
When my PC crashes, I actually give a fuck.
What’s the difference between Stephen Hawking and a refrigerator?
The fridge actually runs.
Why aren’t koalas actual bears?
They don’t meet all the koalifications!
Why did my boyfriend leave me?
Because he's gay.
But why did he come back to me?
Because I'm actually a guy :-)
Sara's Mom was helping her prepare for her driver's test.
Mom: "Okay, any questions?"
Sara: "Yes. I actually don't know what "yield" means."
Mom: "Don't worry, Hon. No one does."
What is the difference between an orphan and a blanket?
One is actually used.
Why don't churches have WiFi?
They can't compete with an invisible force that actually works.