Two atom soldiers are fighting against an army. One gets shot. He cried out, "I'm hit! I think I've lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?" asks the other.
"I'm positive!"
Me: *listening to music under a tree and smiling*
Random person who sees me: Awwww look at him, he looks so so happy ^w^
Me: *actually listening to depressing music that makes me wanna kill and end myself but just smiles to show that everything's gonna be fine even if it won't*
I’ve got a joke about Alzheimers.
Um.
Oh no. I can’t actually remember it.
- What did the skeleton say to his friend?
- Actually... TIBIA honest, I don't know how to complete this joke...
I wish the doctor would prescribe me some medicine that's actually useful, like cyanide.
What is the difference between an apple and an orphan?
Apples actually get picked.
What's the difference between Paul Walker and a PC?
When my PC crashes, I actually give a fuck.
What’s the difference between Stephen Hawking and a refrigerator?
The fridge actually runs.
Disabled man stands up.
Blind man: “You can stand?”
Deaf man: “You can see?”
Mute man: “You can hear?”
Disabled man: “You can talk?”
Doctor: “What the actual fuck?”
Other doctor: “FUCK THIS, I QUIT!”
Why aren’t koalas actual bears?
They don’t meet all the koalifications!
Why did my boyfriend leave me?
Because he's gay.
But why did he come back to me?
Because I'm actually a guy :-)
You know how sometimes you want to listen to music?
But everything you listen to is just supremely unsatisfying, even if it's songs you usually love; they are just so unappealing, and you have no idea what you actually want to listen to.
I am going to be a ghost for Halloween. I actually want to be a ghost every day, because at least I'd be dead.
What is the difference between an orphan and a cat?
The cat is actually cute.
Communism is actually kinda tight.
Sara's Mom was helping her prepare for her driver's test.
Mom: "Okay, any questions?"
Sara: "Yes. I actually don't know what "yield" means."
Mom: "Don't worry, Hon. No one does."
What is the difference between an orphan and a blanket?
One is actually used.
What do an orphan and an apple not have in common?
The apple actually gets picked.
Why don't churches have WiFi?
They can't compete with an invisible force that actually works.
The only difference between apples and orphans is apples actually get picked.
