Actuality jokes

I went into a dark basement with a flashlight, but then it died, but I was not scared. I was actually delighted.

My wife called me ugly, and then when she found out how much money I actually make, she called me ugly and broke.

Me: *listening to music under a tree and smiling*

Random person who sees me: Awwww look at him, he looks so so happy ^w^

Me: *actually listening to depressing music that makes me wanna kill and end myself but just smiles to show that everything's gonna be fine even if it won't*

How do you get away with rape and incest in California?

Say you identify as a woman. Fact: It's actually legal to rape your daughter if you are a woman in California.

Why do orphans like boomerangs? Because they actually come back.

Do you wanna hear the gossip about butter?

Actually, I shouldn't spread it.

What's the difference between my phone and my sister?

I actually give a damn if my phone dies.

Actually doing homework.

Don't adopt people, or else your parents are gonna say you're ACTUALLY adopted, k thx. No jokes anymore, bye.

Actually, Iron Man is female.

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. “No,” says the neighbor. “The seat is empty.” “This is incredible,” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?” The neighbor says, “Well, actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.” “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible... But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbor to take her seat?” The man shakes his head. “No,” he says. “They’re all at the funeral.”

What is the difference between an orphan and a non-orphan? You can slap the orphan, but not the non-orphan because they can actually tell their parents.

Isn't it ironic that the actually nice people tend to be suicidal?

Think about it: suicide exists to make sure bad people bother each other instead.

1) Did you hear the one about the school shooting? Actually, I better not... You wouldn't understand, it's aimed more towards a younger audience.

2) 6 was scared cuz 7 8 9, so why was 10 scared? Because it was in between 9/11.

3) 10 dead babies.

The only difference between apples and orphans is apples actually get picked.

Why is a boomerang an orphan's favorite toy? Because it actually comes back.

What do you call a white guy who can actually dance? Jewish.

What is the difference between an orphan and an apple?

The apple actually gets picked.

Fun fact: The body positivity movement is the only movement without any actual movement.

The QUEEN is JACK! KING off the JOKER!

I know what you're thinking, pervert. Actually, the joke's about a jester in drag.

OK, I'm joking, the Queen cheated on the King with the Jester.