Actuality jokes

Did you know that soccer fields aren't made of 4 million crayons? They are actually made from grass. :)

Why does Ama like boomerangs? Because they actually come back!

Out of a total population of 1.3 billion, no one in Africa actually speaks "African."

There once was a boy named Sammy who loved this girl beyond belief. Her name was Rayne, but she didn’t notice him and or talk to him, but one day she did and they ended up liking each other and getting married and living happily... wait, no, that’s not right.

Sammy actually snuck into Rayne’s house one day and kidnapped her and locked her in his basement and made her into a puppet so he could keep her forever and ever. The End.

A hillbilly female has to decide if she would save her brother or her boyfriend. She chose both because her brother is her boyfriend.

Why do you play Call of Duty?

I actually don't know.

Once, there was a man that was coming to my house and peeing in my yard. Then the man came back to my house and flopped his penis everywhere and peed at the same time, and it went all over my face.

So the next day, he came back, and I got my BB gun and shot a metal BB into his peepee.

This didn't actually happen.

Why is Kanye West's haircut actually years of work by many doctors to piece together skull fragments like a jigsaw puzzle?

Because Kanye once interrupted Chuck Norris on the set of "Walker Texas Ranger."

What is a pirate's favorite letter? You might think it’s the "R," but it’s actually the "C".

A guy dies and finds himself in Hell. Despondent, he sits on the ground and weeps uncontrollably.

Demon: "Why so sad, my friend?"

Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

Demon: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?"

Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."

Demon: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do, is drink. Whiskey, tequila, vodka, beer... We drink till we throw up and then drink some more."

Guy: "Gee, that sounds great!"

Demon: "You a smoker?"

Guy: "You better believe it."

Demon: "Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our fucking lungs out. If you get cancer, it's ok, you're already dead!"

Guy: "Golly."

Demon: "I bet you like to gamble."

Guy: "Yes, as a matter of fact, I do."

Demon: "Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it."

Guy: "Wow."

Demon: "You like to do drugs?"

Guy: "Well, I love to do drugs. You don't mean..."

Demon: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a joint the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's ok... You're already dead!"

Guy: "Neat! I never realized hell was such a swingin' place!"

Demon: "You gay?"

Guy: "Uh, no."

Demon: "Ohhh... You're gonna hate Fridays...."

Why aren’t koalas actual bears?

They don’t meet all the koalifications!

My life, but wait, jokes actually have meaning.

Did you know an eraser on a pencil slowly dies from your mistakes?

And did you know you're actually supposed to live for 25 minutes, but every time you breathe, it resets time?

What's an orphan's favorite toy?

A boomerang because it actually came back.

What’s the difference between an orphan and an apple?

An apple actually gets picked.

The chicken is actually a fruit because it is grown on a pole-tree.

What's the difference between an apple and an orphan?

An apple actually gets picked.

Y’all can actually see them at all, my toe.

I was hunting at night for deer, and then I found one and shot it. I realized the deer I shot was actually my ex...

What’s the difference between a feminist and a school shooter?

A school shooter actually makes an impact on its targets.