Actuality jokes

Speed Bump

    • What's the point of hiding the screaming speed bump you ran over? You might as well hit it again to A: Stop the screaming. B: Make it look like an actual speed bump. And C... You think it's hilarious the noise it makes when you ran over its stomach.

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    • Masturbation

    • Please folks, you can hit the thumbs up button on the ones you like. There is no need to repost.

    Anyways,

    Knock knock Who's there? Can I come in? Can I come in who? Can I Come In You!?

    More often than not, I will cry when I masturbate. Some nights I'm a real tear jerker!

    But on the nights and I smoke a lil pot and then masturbate, my dad ends up bugging me because I am a weed wacker.

    How do you keep a dog from humping your leg? Pick him up and suck his dick.

    How does Popeye keep his manly part from rusting? He sticks it in Olive Oil.

    Snow White and the seven dwarfs are in the the tub feeling "HAPPY". Happy got out now they are fucking "GRUMPY".

    What's worse than waking up and finding a "Penis" drawn on your forehead? Finding out it was "Traced".

    If I had a rooster and you had a donkey and your donkey ate my rooster what would you have? 3 feet of my cock up your ass.

    Did you know Batman was actually Black? Yeah he couldn't go a night with out Robyn!

    Did you hear Gods Word Of The Day? Its Legs! Now lets go out and spread them.

    What do you call a Mexican woman with no legs? Cunt-sway-low

    Whats worse than sucking 25 oysters out of your Grandmas Pussy? Realizing you only put in 15.

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    • Actuality memes

    Rape

    • A man was raping a woman and thought the year was 1970, and he exclaimed to the judge later that he was her husband.

    She got sent to the Asylum for Hysteria.

    Wait, what? Was he actually her husband?

    He was a Christian, so that actually meant he was AFTER the rape.

    Wait, what? The Bible doesn't say that.

    Actually yes, it does, and marital rape was legal until 1990.

    WAIT WHAT? That's not funny.

    I'll tell ya what's funny, that you think the women have nothing to complain about.

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    • Phone

    • What's the difference between my phone and my sister?

    I actually give a damn if my phone dies.

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    • Mama

    • Yo mama is so dumb, she wanted to get some ice, but she went to Antarctica and actually got ice and brought wilt cream! 🤣

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    • Funeral

    • It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. “No,” says the neighbor. “The seat is empty.” “This is incredible,” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?” The neighbor says, “Well, actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.” “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible... But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbor to take her seat?” The man shakes his head. “No,” he says. “They’re all at the funeral.”

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    • Eye

    • I spy with my little eye something starting with, actually I have TWO normal eyes.

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    • Man

    • A disabled man stands up.

    A blind man says, "You can stand?"

    A deaf man says, "You can see?"

    A mute person says, "You can hear?"

    The disabled man says, "You can talk!"

    Doctor: "What the actual f**k"

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    • Ice Cream machine

    • Little boy: Momma?

    Mom: Yes, my dear.

    Little boy: One day I wanna work in McDonald's.

    Mom: Why!?

    Little boy: Just to see if their ice cream machine is actually broken.