I actually want peace, not war.
That's what I always try reminding my girlfriend before beating her up.
Actuality Jokes
Roses are red, violets are blue.
My heart is dead because of you.
Actually, not because of you... because of your face.
What's the difference between a casino and a church?
You actually mean it when you pray at a casino.
I wrote a song about a tortilla.
Actually, it’s more of a wrap.
What do you call a white guy who can actually dance? Jewish.
Actually, Iron Man is female.
Vegan is actually an old Indian word for "bad hunter."
What is the difference between a dog pound and an orphanage?
In a dog pound, people actually want them.
Me: What has two legs and bleeds?
Friend: Um, women? Obviously?
Me: Actually, half a dog. So you're still right.
Is someone who is tardy again actually "retardy"?
Maybe Leo actually isn’t stupid... maybe she just has bad luck with thinking!
Your hairline is so bad that KSI's hairline actually looks normal.
I tell dad jokes all the time even though I’m not actually a dad.
I’m a faux pa.
What’s the difference between a feminist and a suicidal vest?
A suicidal vest actually works when triggered.
Why don't churches have Wi-Fi?
They don't want to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
What's the difference between Hitler and Usain Bolt?
One actually finished a race.
Why did the chicken cro-
UM, ACTUALLY, THE CHICKEN CAN'T CROSS THE ROAD UNLESS IT'S UNDER SOME ROOSTER OR HEN SUPERVISION OR ELSE THE CAR WILL CRASH THE CHICKEN, AND THEY WILL DIE. 🤓
My only friend who actually cares: "Stop making suicide jokes, I’m really concerned!"
Me: Okay, I’ll cut it out.
Me: *posts random joke about a duck*
That one guy in the comment section for no reason: "Shut the f*uck up you dumb b*tch you are a piece of sh*t you..."
That other guy in the comment section: "That’s actually offensive to ducks."
Bro it’s a joke...
Why is the white guy in prison scarier than a black guy in prison?
Because the white guy actually did it.
