Actuality jokes

You remind me of a pencil.

Why?

Because at one time, you actually made a valid point. This time, everything is pointless with you around.

Wife: "Did you notice that the child is actually not yours?"

Husband: "I've been suspecting this for a long time. Finally you admit it."

Wife: "What are you talking about? I asked you to pick up our child from the kindergarten. But the child you picked up is not ours!"

Isn't it ironic that the actually nice people tend to be suicidal?

Think about it: suicide exists to make sure bad people bother each other instead.

DEPRESSION SPEEDRUN starter-kit:

* Parental issues * Money problems * Genetic likeliness * Horrible friends * Annoying neighbors/classmates * School * Being alive * Actually being a good person for once * Giving a f#ck * War-ridden area * All future options kinda suck

Did you know that soccer fields aren't made of 4 million crayons? They are actually made from grass. :)

All right, I know one joke. Um, there's a mollusk, see? And he walks up to a sea...

Well, he doesn't walk up, he swims up.

Well, actually, the mollusk isn't moving, he's in one place.

And then the sea cucumber, well, they... I mixed up.

There was a mollusk and a sea cucumber. None of them were walking, so forget that...

There was this mollusk and he walks up to a sea cucumber. Normally they don't talk, sea cucumbers, but in a joke, everyone talks.

So just then, the sea cucumber looks over to the mollusk and says, "With fronds like these, who needs anemones?"

President Chumples memorialised Charlie Kirk by saying, "He had a real shot at being president."

That's not a joke. The fat fuck actually said that after pan face got shot.

What's the difference between me and Spongebob?

Spongebob can actually get ripped.

What's the difference between Nickelback and a nickel?

A nickel is actually metal.

An old woman walks into an outdoor supplies store.

"I'd like an infrared gorilla," she says.

The clerk proceeds to give her an infrared gorilla from the back room.

"We've had hundreds of these things in the back for ages," exclaims the clerk. "You're the first person who's actually wanted one."

I don’t like to play games, actually. There is one game: It’s Barbie. Of course, I’ll be Ken, and you’ll be the box cum in.

I actually want peace, not war.

That's what I always try reminding my girlfriend before beating her up.

Roses are red, violets are blue.

My heart is dead because of you.

Actually, not because of you... because of your face.

What's the difference between a casino and a church?

You actually mean it when you pray at a casino.

I wrote a song about a tortilla.

Actually, it’s more of a wrap.

What do you call a white guy who can actually dance? Jewish.

Actually, Iron Man is female.

Vegan is actually an old Indian word for "bad hunter."

What is the difference between a dog pound and an orphanage?

In a dog pound, people actually want them.

Me: What has two legs and bleeds?

Friend: Um, women? Obviously?

Me: Actually, half a dog. So you're still right.