Yours jokes
Who needs April Fool's when your life is a joke?
If I wanted to kill myself, I would climb up to the top of your ego and jump to your IQ.
What is your car? What was your time today after I had dinner night and night sleep night? Is it a night for you and a dinner night? Night dinner night? Was the snow? I had dinner night night dinner.
Your mom is pregnant and you're the father.
My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
What's the difference between a gun and chips? When you bring it to class, everyone starts wanting to be your friend.
Touch your toes and hold them. Then spell "run." It will say, "r.u.n."
Knock, knock.
"Who's there?"
Not your dad.
So, I was in school, and there was a number saying "696969," so I said to my mother, "What does it mean?" She said, "Your fucking dad and I!"
Mamma mia abortion clinic!
Your loss is our sauce.
What are you willing to write in your notebook? These nuts.
What is your true crush?
A soda crush.
What is the difference between your dad and a video game?
Your dad doesn’t beat you.
If you’re ever bored, punch an orphan.
What are they going to do? Tell their parents?
So Kenny finally found his one true love.
But he can't be with her because it's illegal to marry your sister.
You were sad because your grandmother died.
The next day, you were washing your face, and you realize sadness made your face BLUE.
My girlfriend told me she’s sad because she’s put on a bit of weight.
I told her to keep her chins up.
When your friend does a finger-gun and his dad appears behind him and does it too, with the real deal!
(pre-election 2016) Trump Hating Comedian at seedy East L.A. comedy club -
"Hey how 'bout that Donald Trump chump... what the fuck up with that dude, man?
"Geeeezus, he got some kuh-razy ass shit spewing endlessly out that pie-hole, 24/8!" (< leap week, muthafukas!)
. . . "I mean, even his last name rhymes with shit that's synonymous for bein' fucked up, for instance ....
STUMP: TEENY DICK
BUMP: TINY TIT
GUMP: DIMWITTED MOVIE IDIOT GUY
MUMP: A FUCKED UP CHILDREN'S DISEASE
LUMP: IF IT'S MALIGNANT, YOU'RE KINDA FUCKED
UMP: OFTEN MAKES TERRIBLE CALLS
RUMP: AN ASS
DUMP: A PILE OF SHIT THAT CAME OUT OF AN ASS
HUMP: SOMETHING DADDY DID TO HIM DAILY THROUGHOUT CHILDHOOD
PUMP: SEE "HUMP"
. . . and last, but definitely not least --
JUMP: JUMP INTO A DEEP VAT 'O SCAT MOTHER FUCKER, AND GO STRAIGHT TO HELL BITCH!! ....
HA! HA! HA! HA! YESSS!!
.... well boys and girls, that's gonna be about it for me, as I think my explosive diarrhea is about ready to take a big turn for the worse!"
......(splort!, plop!, drip!)........ OOOOPS! 'snif, snif'........
..... ewwwwww!!
(audience growing uneasy and unruly)
"Fuhhk! ... I better go now, 'cause I just went! ... ha! ha! ha! ...... Yikes!!
GOOD NIGHT LAZIES, AND GERBILMEN! PLEASE DRIVE RECKLESSLY!
(curtain drops)
(continuous laughter, guffaws, cheers, jeers, queers, beers, pants peeing, beaters beating, pepper sprayin', fists fuckin', guns poppin', blood pumpin')
"OH LORDY!!... I THINK HELL HATH FINALLY COMETH,
... AND ARMAGITTIN' THE FUCK OUTTA HEEE!!"
(one very quick curtain call, and swiftly out the back door to an awaiting taxi ............ with ALL the windows rolled down) Whew! ............ Amen.
My mother didn't want me to love my sister. That made me angry. But then, one day I found this quote: "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer." Since that day, I fuck my sister hard and my MOM harder!