You're jokes

How do women make you a millionaire?

When you're a billionaire.

I'm jealous of your heart because it's pumping in you and I'm not.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a shopping bag?

One's made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with, the other one carries your shopping.

When the school shooter leaves your classroom and the autistic kid’s sketchers light up.

It's not rape if you're both crying.

If you're gonna razor yourself, you might as well have shaving cream.

Which sex position produces the ugliest children?

Go ask your mother.

What is different about priests and acne?

Acne waits until you're 13 to cum on your face.

Sans: Wow, seems you’re really working yourself... down to the bone!

So I heard it was important to clean your sex toys, which is why priests invented baptism I guess.

So, I had an orphan friend, and he asked me, "How's your girlfriend?" I said, "I don't have one." He said, "I know, I just wanted to remind you." Then I asked, "How are your parents?" After that, I never saw him again.

A guy goes onto a rooftop bar and is sitting next to a guy who says he's drinking a magical drink. He asks, "What's so magical about it?" The guy drives a car and flies it around the rooftop. The other tries, but falls off and dies.

The bartender shakes his head and says, "Y'know, you're a real jerk when you're drunk, Superman."

"What’s your name, son?" the principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” "Do you have a stutter?" the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”

What's the difference between meat and fish?

If you beat your fish, it'll die.

You're so damn fat that the only belt that fits you is an asteroid belt.

Husband: "I bet you can't say something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time."

Wife: "You have the biggest penis out of all your friends."

The teacher is asking you a question.

Teacher: "If your biggest dream came true, what would you be?"

Me: "Dead."

A duck walks into a bar. The duck says to the bartender, "Hey bartender, got any bread?" The bartender says, "No." Then the duck says, "Hey bartender, got any bread?" The bartender says, "NO!" The duck says, "Hey bartender, got any bread?" The bartender says, "No, and if you say that one more time I will nail your bill to this bar!" The duck says, "Hey bartender, got any nails?" The bartender says, "No." The duck says, "Well then, bartender, got any bread?"

Me and my friend were roasting each other. She said, "You look like a Reese's cup." I replied, "You're so old, your pubic hairs are 50 shades of gray."

A husband walks into his house to find his wife watching Gordon Ramsay's F-king cooking show!

Husband: "Stop watching that f-king sh*t! You can't cook to save your life!"

Wife: "So what?! You watch porn, don't you?!"