You jokes
Did you hear about the cat that ate a lemon? Now it's a sourpuss.
What should you do to prevent dry skin? Use a towel.
What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.
What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.
Being a mom to a teenager will make you understand why some animals eat their young.
Silence is golden. Unless you have kids, then silence is suspicious.
What do you call headphones that walk out on their children? Deadbeats.
Your dad is so smart, he took one look at you and left.
What is the difference between the pizza guy and my dad?
The pizza guy shows up when you call him.
If you can make a woman laugh, you're almost there.
If you're almost there and then she laughs, then you've got a whole different problem on your hands.
"How does dry skin affect you at work?""You don’t have any elbow grease to put into it."
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
"A satisfactory."
"Dad, did you get a haircut?"
"No, I got them all cut!"
I asked the librarian if they had any books on anxiety.
She replied with, "Won't you worry a lot about returning it late?"
What do you call an autistic kid with a gun?
Answer: Special forces.
What'd the farmer say when a coyote killed and ate his rooster?
"No, you ate my cock!"
What do us emos all have in common?
Depression. Anxiety. The sole desire to just start saying you wanna kys right out of the blue a lot and saying "I CAN'T WAIT TO JUMP OF THAT BUILDING SOON!" and other people say, "Idgaf, do it, all of us would be happy."
Father talks to his 5-year-old son: “No, Petie, you don’t have to worry. There is no monster sleeping under your bed. It sleeps every day in the bed next to me.”
How is tightrope walking like getting a blowjob from someone ugly?
If you want to enjoy either, you absolutely can’t look down.
A fat homeless person begged me for food, so I said, "I can see your dinner. You had plenty!"