You jokes

I will remember my auntie's last words: "If you shoot me, your p-nis is small!"

(gun shot)

What's the difference between you and me?

I have a plan for this new year.

So long, suckers. Keep scrolling.

What did the emo say to the popular kid?

"Go fuck yourself for thinking all emos cut because they don't... y'know, for a matter of fact, fuck all you guys..."

My girlfriend said to me, "Dear, I think you have hit an animal, there's blood and dents all over the bonnet."

I said, "No, love, I'm not waiting for a Black Lives Matter rally."

If your parachute doesn't work, don't worry.

You have the rest of your life to figure it out.

What do you call an orphan at a construction site?

Child labor.

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

'Cause 7 8 9.

But why did 7 eat 9?

'Cause you need 3 square meals a day :D

Have you heard about the Pillsbury Dough Boy? He died of a yeast infection.

What do you call sex with a hoover?

Clean sex.

What happens if you play with Santa’s ball? You get a white Christmas.

You're so fat you probably apply sunscreen with a paint roller.

Is it classed as down under if you eat out an Australian chick?

What do you call a blind person driving a car?

Died.

Orphan: I love abcdefu!

Caretaker: Why? You don't have anyone to flip off.

Roses are red, Violets are blue, I thank God I'm not as ugly as you.

You just might be why the middle finger was invented in the first place.

I thought of you today. It reminded me to take out the trash.

"Go back to Party City, where you belong!" — Phi Phi O’Hara, RuPaul’s Drag Race.

Hispanic and Latino people be like, "No more immigrants!" Like, dude, aren't you an immigrant?

What do you call Jan[uary] 6th?

White people smearing shit on the walls of the capitol!