You jokes
What do you call it if your mom is a guy and your dad is a woman?
Transparent.
What's the one thing that you don't have but celebrities do?
Lots of fans.
To Mr. Nice Guy, you are nice, sweet, and caring! I am so grateful to be your friend!
My sister told me only onions make you cry, so I always hit her back when she hit me, but I hit her with a shoe only to catch her cry.
A man walks into a library and asks for books about paranoia.
The librarian whispers, "They're right behind you!"
I thought it stood for microsoft
What do you get when a dinosaur farts?
A blast from the past!
What do you call a gay threesome?
A Sloppy Joe.
A man walks into a bar and sees a jar full of money, and he asks the bartender what's up with that jar of money.
Bartender says you gotta do 3 tasks. He takes the shot of Jack, and the customer says, "What are the tasks?" He says, "The 1st one is, well the 1st 1 is, I got about a 12' gator in the back that's got a bad tooth, and you gotta pull it." He says, "All right, what's the 2nd 1?" He said, "I got a big old girl upstairs that ain't had no loving in a long time, you gotta make her smile." He takes another shot of Jack. He said, "All right, what's the 3rd 1?" He said, "You see that horse outside, you gotta make him laugh and cry."
Guy goes upstairs, goes out back, comes out to the front, comes back in. The other customer said, "Give him the jar." The guy says, "I took care of that lady's tooth, and I made that alligator smile."
"Well how'd you make the horse laugh?" he said. "Easy, I told him I had a bigger deck then him."
Bartender says, "How did you make him cry?" He said, "Easy, I showed him."
If you give a dwarf 5-Hour Energy, will it become 10-hour Energy?
What happens when you hit Dwayne Johnson's butt? You hit rock bottom.
Have you ever walked into Stephen Hawking's house? No, he hasn't either.
Whenever you wanna roast an orphan, say "yo mamma".
Yo, look, they give me and my girl free pizza and a big bottle of rabbit wine. Yay, yay! Don't drink too much of it; you might turn into a wine rabbit.
Mother, father, and a son. Father purchased a robot that can detect lies. The robot slaps when you lie.
During dinner time: Father: Son, what have you done today? Son: I watched Netflix, Dad. Robot: Stood up and slapped the son! Son: Okay! Okay! I watched porn, Dad. Dad: What? You watched porn? You are only 14! I never knew porn till I was 18 years of age. Robot: Stood up and slapped the Dad! Mother: started to laugh and said, "Sure he is your son!" Robot: Stood up and slapped the mother!
What's a similarity between a cliff hanger and nooses?
They both leave you hanging.
Did you hear about the new emo pizza? It cuts itself.
Guys, what do you call an un-aborted and parentless child?...
An orphan.
Why did you go depressed?
Because you’re you.
Are you in the alphabet 'cause I wanna give you the D.
What do you call a rapper who's also a magician?
Eminem-o the Great.