You jokes

Guy: Hey, Siri, I failed my final exams, can you cheer me up?

Siri: What’s the difference between you and your grandma? Your grandma passed!

Yo life so miserable, the adoption center wouldn't sell you, just give you away!

You're so short that I had to ask God why he made you short-ass toothpick legs.

What do you get when you cut an onion?

Onion jizz.

After you read this post, you will forget you were gay.

Teacher: Jeff, why did you throw a paper plane at the twins?

Jeff: You wouldn't get it, miss.

Jake: Can I go outside?

Mom: Did you clean your room?

Jake: No.

Mom: Then f*ck no.

Jake: Alright, bet.

(Brother named No)

What do you call a teen wizard who just went through puberty?

Hairy Potter.

How do you fit 3 gay men on a bar stool?

Flip it upside down.

The water in the shower evaporates before it reaches you.

How much you wanna bet you will not repeat my name out loud (at school/work)?

All you pro-life Christian motherfuckers can go die, lol.

You're so fake, Barbie was jealous of you!

"Fuck you, do something about it!"

How do you beat Hellen Keller in musical chairs?

You move the chairs.

What would you rather be, emo or handicapped?

Trick question, emo is a handicap.

You're so much like a marshmallow, you're so squishy and sticky, and everyone puts their sticks inside of you.

Boy: “My heart MELTS for you.”

Girl: “OMG, are you okay?!?!”

Boy: “Yeah, why?”

Girl: “Because if your heart is melting, then you are NOT okay.”

What's the difference between a piano, a pot of glue, and a tuna fish?

You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna.

What about the glue?

I knew you'd get stuck there.

How do you make an orphan's hands bleed?

Tell him to clap until his parents come home.