You jokes

A guy walks into a bar and sees a 1-foot piano player over by the door. He goes over to the bartender, orders a beer, and says, “Man, how’d you get such a short piano player?” The bartender says in response, “There’s a genie in the back of the bar.” The man finishes his beer and runs to the back, looking for the genie. He finds it and says, “I wish for a million bucks.” Suddenly, a million ducks fly out of the bar. The customer looks confused and goes back to the bartender and says, “What just happened?” The bartender replies, “The genie is half deaf, do you really think I’d ask for a 12-inch pianist?”

If Stephen Hawking has a heart attack, do you take him to Halfords or A&E?

What do you get when you combine a priest and lawyer? A Father-in-law.

Three guys are stranded with cannibals on an island. The cannibals said, "Each one of you come back with 10 pieces of fruit and shove them up your butt showing no emotion." The first guy came back with 10 apples, and by the second one, he started to grunt, so he was killed and eaten.

The second one came back with cherries, and when he went to put the 10th one in, he started to laugh, so he was killed and eaten. The two guys met in heaven, and the first guy said, "Dude, you were so close. What happened?" The second one said, "I would have made it, but I saw the third guy come back with 10 pineapples!!" 😝😝🤣🤣

It's not that I don't get the laugh, but most of you need to read through what's already been posted, 'cause everybody's saying the same sh*t.

You know what’s impossible?

Steven Walking.

What do you call a dog with no legs?

My asian neighbors dinner.

Tombstone engraving: "I TOLD you I was sick!"

Me walking in to the office:

Principal: Tell me, what did you do?

Me: I told the special ed kid that the 4th story window was an end portal...

I only have 4 moods:

• fuck this • fuck that • fuck me • fuck you

I empathize with the above, but I have an additional 4 moods to add:

• fuck yeah • fuck no • fuck my life • fuck everything

and don't forget the inevitable

• fuck it

and for those who have just given up

• fuck

This is beautiful.

Is Google a girl or a boy?

Obviously a girl, because it won't let you finish a sentence without making a suggestion.

A boy breaks a vase, and his mom says it's ok, honey, mistakes happen. How do you think you were born?

What do you call a knight in a cannibal village? -- Canned food.

What is the difference between light and hard? You can go to sleep with a light on.

What do you call a bunch of depressed kids with AK47s?

Suicide squad. 😂😂😂

What do you call milk that gets everything she wants?

Spoiled milk.

A rapist walks into a school and asks if they had 5 year olds in the school, and the teacher replies, "Are you that same person who took Jimmy?"

The man replies, "Yes," and the teacher says, "Take Susie too; she's being a little bitch."

How do you escape a French prison?

Yell angrily in German!

Roses are red, But grass is greener, When I think of you, I play with my wiener.

What do you call a porn star that always goes back for more?

Craven Morehead.