You jokes

Me walking in to the office:

Principal: Tell me, what did you do?

Me: I told the special ed kid that the 4th story window was an end portal...

I only have 4 moods:

• fuck this • fuck that • fuck me • fuck you

I empathize with the above, but I have an additional 4 moods to add:

• fuck yeah • fuck no • fuck my life • fuck everything

and don't forget the inevitable

• fuck it

and for those who have just given up

• fuck

This is beautiful.

Is Google a girl or a boy?

Obviously a girl, because it won't let you finish a sentence without making a suggestion.

A boy breaks a vase, and his mom says it's ok, honey, mistakes happen. How do you think you were born?

What do you call a knight in a cannibal village? -- Canned food.

What do you call milk that gets everything she wants?

Spoiled milk.

What do you call a bunch of depressed kids with AK47s?

Suicide squad. 😂😂😂

You know, I like my girls how I like my 9/11: Two twins that go down easy.

Roses are red, But grass is greener, When I think of you, I play with my wiener.

My friend: You really need to stop the SH jokes.

Me: But they're not that long.

Kid: Dad, what is it like to be drunk?

Dad: You see those two trees over there? If you were drunk, you would see four.

Kid: Dad, there is only one tree.

What do you call a porn star that always goes back for more?

Craven Morehead.

Don't worry if you think your life sucks. Just remember that people are arguing over the gender of a potato head.

Head teacher talking about recent vandalism during school assembly:

"And to those of you who wrote Mr. Smith's telephone number on the door of the girl's toilets, he would like to make it clear that the last digit is a 7 and not a 4."

What's the difference between a phone and a girl? You can turn it off whenever you want.

So, you wanna hear a joke about the wall?

... Actually, nah, you won't get over it.

What do you call a bad amputation?

A rip-off.

I will never forget my grandfather's last words: “The fuck you doing with that knife?”

It's not that I don't get the laugh, but most of you need to read through what's already been posted, 'cause everybody's saying the same sh*t.

This boy heard from a friend that if you tell an adult, "I know the whole truth," they will be all weird. So he went home and told his mom, "I know the whole truth," and she gave him $20 and said to keep quiet.

Pleased, when his dad got home, he said, "I know the whole truth," and his dad gave him $40 and said, "Don't tell Mom." Really pleased, he met the mailman the next day and said, "I know the whole truth." Then the mailman got down on his knee, opened his arms, and said, "Come to daddy."