You jokes

One way to not pick up a girl is to say, “Are you an American school because I wanna shoot kids into you?” I tried it on a girl, and she is now terrified to come near me.

How was I supposed to know she was already pregnant?

Roses are red, Violets are blue, With every beat of my heart, I'm devoted to you.

"What do you call a person who is afraid of Santa Claus?"

"Claustrophobic!"

Notice on a shoe repair shop: I’ll heel you, I’ll save your sole, I’ll even gladly dye for you.

I would tell you a joke about pizza, but it was too cheesy.

How do you put a baby astronaut to sleep?

You rocket!

Son: Dad, where are you?

Dad: Getting another one.

Son: Getting what?

Dad: Dad.

How do you break up two blind guys fighting?

Yell, "My money's on the guy with the knife!"

"Jesus loves you" is a wonderful thing to hear in church.

But a horrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

One spelling mistake can completely ruin your marriage.

I accidentally texted my wife, "I’m having a wonderful time. I wish you were her."

What is faster, hot or cold?

Hot, because you can catch a cold.

They say you should love your neighbor. Does that mean I have to love the president?

The term "every 60 seconds" is so stupid.

You know Africans don’t get seconds.

What do you call a crowd of horny white women?

Cotton waiting to be picked.

My cousin just broke up with his girlfriend, and I told him, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of her stuff."

It takes a lot of trust for two cannibals to gluck gluck each other. You never know when it's goodbye willy.

It's easy to tell if a skeleton is lying to you because you can see right through them.

What’s the difference between jelly and jam?

You can’t “jelly” it in her ass.

Do you like soccer? My favorite player is Ronaldo, but we can still get Messi.

How can you tell your best friend is gay?

His meat tastes like shit.