You jokes

Do you know what the F in orphan is for...

Family.

Notice on a shoe repair shop: I’ll heel you, I’ll save your sole, I’ll even gladly dye for you.

I would tell you a joke about pizza, but it was too cheesy.

I dare you to smile like a donut. Did you do it?

At one point in your life, you were exactly pi years old.

How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?

Call and tell her about it.

Yo mama so stupid, she ate the Apple phone you gave her.

You know what’s traumatizing?

Your mom breastfeeding in front of you.

Help!

Hey Siri, what’s in my bank account?

You stupid shit, piece of elephant crap, you’re so ugly that when you were born, your nickname was bastard! You’re so ugly, that your crush fainted in front of you and was proclaimed dead! You’re so ugly that-

(Destroys phone cutely)

You are like a software update. Whenever I see you, I immediately think, "Not now."

"Hola soy Dora, do you see Donald Trump? That’s right, he’s at my house, and he’s building a wall to separate me and Caillou. And Mami won’t let him, so she was walled alive!"

What do you call my friends?...

Short.

You know you have weird Indian parents when you can hear them canilingus each other.

If you think of a president as your king, then the USA got checkmated on November 22nd, 1963.

You know what's the difference between my basement and Chick-fil-A?

A lot of things.

Yo, hairline go so far back that your dad found it before you did.

What do you call a Mexican without a lawnmower?

Unemployed.

I can't believe this!

Pizza is round and it comes in a square box, and you cut it into a triangle.

Sister: You're so stupid.

Me: Calling me stupid doesn't make you any smarter!

Plastic bags look like you, dirty and fake.