You jokes

"Why do people call Americans excessive?"

"It was probably because of WWII."

"Oh, you mean the war where America responded to the destruction of several ships and a harbor and the deaths of a little over a thousand by completely flattening two cities and killing hundreds of thousands of people?"

Guy 1: Why is my cat so angry?

Guy 2: Because she wants to eat your big sausage.

Guy 1: Don't you?

Guy 2: Yeah, it seems delicious.

Guy 1: Mmm, so... w-wait what are you doing? I didn't think you meant the one in my lunch :< Where are you leaving #_#

**Meow...**

Guy 1: Shut up, I will never feed you this sausage. It's not for you :< -_- </3

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef! XD

Okay, so I know this is not a joke, but I wanted to take some time to say if you have autism, you are still amazing. You are lovely in every way, and if people bully you, don't listen because they are wrong. You are cute, and I know how it feels. I have ADHD, and I get bullied a lot, but I don't let that get to me because I know what they are saying is wrong and not true. People with autism, stay strong; you got this. I will be your friend by heart, even if it's not in person.

If you look up the word "wheelchair" in a dictionary, you will see a picture of Stephen Hawking.

Kermit the Frog and Fozzie Bear were having a picnic.

Fozzie said, "Do you know where Ms. Piggy is? I haven't seen her all day."

Kermit said, "I don't know, but this extra bacon cheeseburger sure tastes great."

Somebody told me that black slang is just white slang in reverse. For example:

White person: Dad, you're home!

Black person: Dad?

White person: You can keep the change.

Black person: Empty the register.

How do you know when you have been invited to a gay barbecue?

When you are unable to distinguish foot-long hot dogs from long and thick big dicks, regardless of skin color.

A man asks God, "Hello God, why did you make my wife so dumb?"

God replies, "So she would love you..."

No matter how lonely you get, you have Explain Bear.

Explain Bear is always there for you.

Q. What's the difference between an abortion clinic and a nursery? A. The abortion clinic won't let you take the baby home.

Q. What do you call anal sex with a politician?

A. A backroom deal.

Did you hear about the guy who died by lethal injection and writhed on the stretcher for 20 minutes?

I guess it really IS all in the execution.

Job interview: "What's your greatest weakness?"

"Honesty."

"I don't think honesty is a weakness."

"I don't give a fuck what you think."

Sometimes, you've got to specifically go out of your way to get into trouble. It's called fun.

I said I’m losing my mind. My friend said, “You didn’t have much to begin with.”

Bro, why are you making an avalanche by that big forehead? No wonder why snow was found on Mars.

You're like a stormy cloud, because once you go away, it's a nice day.

How do you trick a camel jockey into drinking a bottle of watermelon schnapps?

Pour watermelon seeds into a bottle of watermelon schnapps.

What do you get when you mix Viagra with spinach?

Strong to the finish.