You jokes
What's the difference between a road bump and children crossing the road?
A road bump will make you slow down when you drive over it.
"Did you go to the biscuit eating championship?"
"Yea, it was crackers!"
Why can’t you trust an atom?
Because they make up literally everything.
Money means nothing to me. Ask me for it, you will get nothing.
What do you say when you wake up to the police trying to arrest you?
“C'mon, did ya really think I’d resist arrest?”
I did a walk today and I had to walk home from school and walk walk home from school and walk walk home from home and walk walk home and I had a good time with you and walk home from home and walk walk home and I had to.
How do you think the unthinkable? An iceberg.
What do you call the ghost of the Thanksgiving turkey? A Poultrygeist.
What kind of ankle are you? A broken ankle.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I thought Voldemort was ugly, but then I met you.
A guy walks into a bar with a .44 magnum and yells: "Who the fuck fucked my wife?"
Everybody is silent for a second, then the bartender said: "Mate, you ain't got enough bullets!"
When you get suspended from school for giving the deaf kid AirPods for his birthday.
Women be like men should pay for first dates, then get mad when you do...
What do you call California during a forest fire?
Completely normal.
Are you a plane? Because I wanna be in control of you for a few hours.
When you're having a normal day at school, but then...
"All the other kids with the pumped up kicks"
How many people can you fit in a car?
6 - 3 in the back, 2 in the front, and my nan in the ashtray.
Little Johnny: Hey, Dad, are you finally back with the milk?
Dad: Yea, but it's expired, so I'm going back to the "milk store" and get more (and not come back for a couple more years). :)
Why do pirates say, "Argh my Hardees?"
Because that's how you tell when they have the hards.
What do you call a male robot who wants to be a girl?
A trans-former.