Hotline jokes

Friend #1: "Yo guys, what's the most unfair game you've ever played? For me it's Fortnite."

Friend #2: "I'd have to say Monopoly."

Me: "The most unfair game you say? Life, definitely. Like, no one wins, it's a one-way game."

Friend #2: "Uhh...that's not exactly what he meant..."

Friend #1: *calls the suicide hotline*

The suicide hotline didn't even give me advice on how to kill myself. Not helpful at all.

Me, trying to interact with people: “Hey, are you a rope? Because I really wanna HANG with you.”

Person I’m talking to: *Pulling out phone to call suicide hotline* “haha what.”

I called the suicide hotline in Saudi Arabia. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

me: calls suicide hotline. hotline lady: suicide hotline, how are you doing today? me: not much, just hanging.

Friend 1: What's your favorite drink or food?

Friend 2: Pizza.

Friend 3: Donuts.

Friend 4: I don't eat food but I do drink bleach.

Friend 1: (calling the suicide hotline)

Friend 2: (Calling the parents)

I called the suicide hotline, and he suggested I draw on myself to distract myself.

I replied I'd get ink poisoning.

Wouldn't recommend, the police came.

I was sad, so I called the depression hotline. Turns out the depression hotline is where people roast you until you are depressed.

1. just feeling sad. 2. depression. 3. self harm. 4. suicide.

Dave got a new job at the suicide hotline.

The manager shows him to his desk and Dave has a seat.

The manager says, "Remember! Your job is to make sure that the person at the other end of the line does not kill himself, no matter what! That's the one thing you have to do!"

Dave says "No problem! I will do exactly what you just told me!" and the manager leaves him to his job.

A few minutes, later Dave's phone rings.

"Hello?" Dave answers. No response for a few seconds, then a voice appears.

"My wife cheated on me," a man says. The man on the other end of the line is clearly depressed.

"I'm sorry to hear that," Dave says.

"I found out that she's been doing it for months; she says I don't treat her well enough. She's filing for divorce and threatening to take the kids from me. I don't know what to do. I just took up drinking and gambling, the pain goes away at first but it always comes back. I don't think I can even afford to see a psychiatrist; money is tight as it always is. I wish I could manage my finances better... I just don't see any way out. I think the only thing I can do that makes sense is to just kill myself."

Dave pauses for a moment, thinks, and then he asks:

"Wouldn't it make more sense to kill her?"

I didn't mean to call an Afghanistan hotline. I told them I was depressed, then they asked if I know how to drive a truck. I don't know how that has anything to do with it!

When I called the suicidal hotline in Iraq, they asked if I could drive the car.

When I hotline bling, I only need one thing.

I can't believe the suicide hotline put my cousin on hold. They left him hanging.

What did the phone receptionist at the suicide hotline tell the callers?

Hang in there!

When I was feeling suicidal, I called the suicide hotline and they left me hanging.

Depressed caller: "I'm done with everything!"

Responder: "Please hang on!"

Want one way to get a free haircut?

Call the cancer hotline.

I called the suicide hotline in Afghanistan, and they asked if I could pilot a plane.

Why is September 11th the best birthday ever? No one forgets it :)