You jokes
An orphanage is like a horse rescue: you rescue them, you rehabilitate them, and then you sell them to the highest bidder.
What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?
You can't hear an enzyme, but you can hear a hormone.
Your mama's so ugly that when she looks in the mirror, you can see Micah.
Your forehead so big you got to take Tylenol pills, big like chocolate chip cookies.
Ariana Grande was in the store, and when she put her groceries on the counter, she said, "Thank you, next!"
Hey, you person who's scrolling, please leave your HONEST opinion on life. Do you think "life sucks" or "eh, it's okay," etc.? It can be short; if you don't want to, then that's okay.
Bully: I'm going to hurt you so bad.
You: Well, your IQ is the same amount of teeth I'm about to knock out, so... you're so dumb that you don't even know how to do that.
And your IQ is 5.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, God made me pretty, WHAT THE FRICK HAPPENED TO YOU?
Soldiers, there is one thing you can be sure of: You will be at home with your families, in a jar on the mantelpiece.
If you were to ask me, "What is the easiest job in the world?", it would be an Australian psychiatrist.
"G'Day, G'Day...how you doing...no worries, next!"
Person: Bro, you have a bad and stupid life.
Me: Yeah, it was all good till you were here!
Person: WTF!
What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk.
Do you have a sunburn, or are you just always this hot?
Did you hear about the crime in the parking garage? It was wrong on so many levels.
Small word of advice: Don't wait till next month or next year to do stuff with the people you love, because they may be gone by then. You don't realize, but every second there is someone who dies, and it just could be your loved one.
What do you call a dinosaur with a cowboy hat and cowboy boots?
A Tyrannosaurus Tex.
What do you tell twins that are in love with each other?
Go fuck yourselves!
Have you ever had a friend who masturbated many times? I had one who did a lot, but he had no imagination... when he masturbated, he imagines his hand.
Why are women like KFC? After you finish with the thigh and the breasts, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in.
Can [I] ask your sister how you are going for Christmas? And [to clarify,] I have internet.