You jokes
Doctor: You have cancer.
Patient: Will I survive?
Doctor: Probably not.
Have you ever said no? Did they keep going?
Teacher, there are 3 birds. 1 gets shot. How many are left?
Student, none. They flew off because the shot scared them off.
Teacher, actually 2, but I like the way you think.
5 minutes later
Student, there are 3 women eating ice cream. 1 is licking it, 1 is drinking it melted, and 1 is sucking it. Which one is married?
Teacher, the one sucking it?
Student, no, the one with the ring, but I like the way you think.
You are about to hear the funniest joke ever.
My life.
A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads into the nearest pub. Everyone in the pub is whispering and pointing at him because of his odd-shaped body; he has a very muscular body, but a very tiny head on his shoulders.
As he orders his drink, he tells the bartender, "I'll explain. I get this in every port and town I visit. I caught a mermaid and she granted me three wishes if I would release her back into the sea. So I told her I wanted a yacht and, sure enough, she came through for me. Next, I asked for a million bucks and now I am set for life. Last of all, I asked her if I could have sex with her and her response was, 'I don't know how you can make love to me with your type of body.' So I asked her, 'How about a little head?'"
What do you call intelligent people in the U.S.?
Tourists.
I asked what was her favorite type of magic. She said, "the one you make."
What do you call a tree?
You have been a bad boy, so now I will have to pun-ish you!
If you shoot at a school of fish, could you call it a school shooting?
When was the last time you saw yourself in the mirror?
Suicide gives you security for the future.
Decide the day of suicide and live with full joy till that day, and you can choose to postpone it.
My friend Liam has a hairline [if you can even call it a hairline] so bad it keeps going back for miles.
Q: How do you know it's time for bed at the Neverland Ranch? A: When the big hand touches the little hand.
Here is a dark joke for you guys... "Why do pornstars scream, "DADDY!" in their videos? Because they were child molested by their father!"
What do you call a funny family of chairs? A sitcom!
Why don't you use a dull pencil?
Because there's no point. 😐😑😑
Some of you need to go to church. I don't want you in hell with me.
Have you heard of the current event in Africa?
It’s known as the Hunger Games.
Me at the Oscars when I see Jada Pinkett Smith, I said: "G.I. Jane 2, more like G.I. Jada 2, can't wait to see it."
So Will Smith is laughing and then suddenly, Will Smith walks up to me and punches me in the face.
Me: "Ow, oh, wow. Will Smith just smacked the shit out of me.” My nigga Smith goes: "KEEP MY WIFE'S NAME OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!" Me: "Maybe you should focus on keeping her friends out of hers."