You jokes
Her: "Land of the free".
Me: *fat*
Her: What do you mean?
Me: It's not fat-free.
The next time I knock on your door, I'll hit you instead of the door.
How many babies does it take to paint a house? It depends how hard you throw them.
What did the full glass say to the empty glass? "You look drunk!"
"You may not rest, there are monsters nearby."
-Sun Tzu, The Art of War.
You're so poor you put paper cutlery in the dishwasher.
You went to the bed store asking for a water bed. They put a pillow and sheets on the ocean.
Your forehead is so big when you walk by I can't see what's in front of me.
How do you find someone's hairline? It's simple, you don't.
Me: Hi Jacob!
Jacob: Hi.
Me: Your parents went to jail for littering when you were born!
Jacob: GOO GOO GAH GAH
If you jump off a building and yell "parkour," how can they tell that it was intentional? T'was a failed stunt.
What do you call a wheelchair on fire?
Hot wheels.
Why are you so white?
Because you have no lotion on.
When your mama went to Sea World, the whales started singing, "We are family, even though you're fatter than me!"
A guy asks his priest friend what he wants to eat, and the priest says "bad boys." Then his friend asks, "What kebab do you want?" and the priest says, "B Bricked up Caucasian or Asian will do."
What do you call a crazy lesbian?
Fruit Loops.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'll be a jaeger, will you be my kaiju?
What do you call a baby on the battlefield?
Free shield!
What do you call a girl furry?
A pussy cat.
Did you ever see any white men drowning in the Atlantic Ocean?
Yeah, it went on and on.