You jokes

"I’m on a hunt for my wife’s murderer, have been for years."

"Oh my God! Your wife’s been murdered?!"

"No no, you misunderstand. I’m still looking for him."

You are so fat that the waiter said to you every time: "Sorry for your weight" instead of "Sorry for the wait."

Do you know what the "W" in Africa stands for? Water!

When you step on the weighing scale, it shows your phone number!

Do you like CDs?

There's this really cool one called "C Deez Nuts."

Did you know an eraser on a pencil slowly dies from your mistakes?

And did you know you're actually supposed to live for 25 minutes, but every time you breathe, it resets time?

What’s the only other advantage of being an orphan?

The teacher can’t give you homework.

Were you born on the highway? That's where most accidents happen.

Did you know about 9 months after a power outage 50% more babies are born because it is dark?

What is the first thing you should always take care of first after a car crash?

The witnesses.

You're so skinny, you use chapstick as deodorant.

How do you bury a prostitute?

In a Y-shaped coffin.

Why go across town when you can go across the hall?

Kid: I forgot to flush the toilet, sorry I just forgot.

Adult: Just like your parents forgot YOU 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

What’s the best way to make sure you don’t get COVID?

Suicide.

When I die I want to have a piece of paper near me giving a clue on how I died, like, "I want everyone to miss me except for this bullet," or, "You didn't hang with me but guess what did?"

What do you call a dinosaur with good eyesight?

Do you think he saw us?

Hey, can I tell you a pizza joke?

Nah, it's too cheesy.

Two people are sitting in a skyscraper.

P1: Hey, what wifi are you connected to? The company wifi is horrible.

P2: Airplane wifi.

What do you say to a kid in a trash compactor?

You looking a little square.