You Jokes

Three women were in heaven. The angel at the gates said, "How good the ride into heaven is for you, is determined by your commitment to your most recent partner."

The first lady says, "2 years, 2 side-hoes." She got an old lexus.

The second lady says, "10 years, 1 visit from a prostitute." She got a Mercedes-Benz.

The third lady says, "I never had a husband."

The angel says in response, "F*ck me and then you can have a lambo."

They all arrive in heaven, to see the second lady crying.

The first lady says, "I know we are dead, but it could be a lot worse."

"How!?" The third lady cries, "The angel has a flute for a d*ck!"

How do you get 1 million followers:

{ RUN THROUGH AFRICA WITH A BOTTLE OF WATER }

A young boy is in a tepee with his father, just after his sister's naming ceremony. Curious to how it works, he asks his dad, "Father, why is my sister's name Tulip?"

His father responds, "That is her name because a tulip was the first thing she saw when she first opened her eyes."

The boy was still puzzled. "What about big brother Sparrow?"

"His name is Sparrow because a sparrow landed on him when he first began walking."

The boy finally asked how he was named. "Well, we decided to name you the same way as your sister."

The boy nods with understanding, "Thank you, father."

"No problem, Two-Dogs-Fucking."

What did the ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, he just WAVED.

Did you SEA what I did there?

GUY: Yes

Are you SHORE?

Say "toast" three times. Spell "toast" three times. What do you put in a toaster? The answer?

When i find out

The image shows two animated characters, Woody and Buzz Lightyear, from the movie Toy Story. Woody looks distressed and has his head slightly down. Buzz, on the other hand, has an excited or surprised expression, with his mouth open, eyebrow raised, and a hand outstretched. The text "WHEN YOU FIND OUT" is in the upper part of the image and "YOU HAVE NO MONEY" at the bottom of the image, both using white letters.

What do you call a white man having intercourse with a black woman?

An Oreo.

What do you call a pool full of handicapped people?

Vegetable soup.

Three nuns died in a car crash. They went up to heaven at the pearly gates. The gatekeeper said, "This really should not have happened, so I am going to send you back to earth as different people. Tell me who you want to be or look like." The first nun said, "I want to look like Madonna." Puff, you look like her now, but you can’t use her name. And sent her down to earth. The second one said, "I want to look like Marilyn Monroe." He then makes her look like her and sends her down to earth. The third nun said, "I want to look like Sarah Pipalini." The gatekeeper says to her, "Sarah Pipalini, who is that?" She gives the gatekeeper a newspaper article. He reads it, shakes his head no, and says, "It’s not Sarah Pipalini, it's Sahara pipeline laid by 500 men."

Man: Can you be my girlfriend?

Woman: I'm lesbian, sorry.

Man: Oh, here's your rope.

Like if you meet someone emo.

Roses are red, Violets are blue, You a dumb a** b*tch, We all know it's true.

What do you call sex in the World Trade Center?

An inside job.

Yo mama so fat that when she walked past the TV, you missed 3 episodes of your favorite show.

What did the Arch bridge say to the Truss bridge?

"I Truss-ted you!"

To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket: you can hide, but you can’t run.

What’s the difference between a mosquito and a blonde girl?

One stops sucking when you smack it.

One day a computer said to another computer, "Why are you so dumb?"

The other computer replied, "Because I have low memory."

If you ever get bored, tell an orphan to take two days off their calendar. If they ask why, say, "Because you're missing Father's Day and Mother's Day."