You jokes
What do you call a friendly noise? A sound wave.
If you shoot at a school of fish, could you call it a school shooting?
When you get caught about to shoot up the school,
*slowly puts AR to chin*
Do you know pigeons die when they have sex?
I mean, the one I fucked died.
When you think you can’t fail anymore if you’re dead, then you fail at suiciding.
Memes
What's the difference between Pikachu and an orphan?
Pikachu, I choose you!
I was speaking at my grandpa's funeral and I told everybody his last words: "You still holding the ladder?"
Hey girl, are you a farmer? Because you sure know how to raise a cock.
How do you make an Indian explode?
You press the red dot.
What's the difference between a baby and a brick?
A brick doesn't cry when you throw it on a wall.
How do you make epileptic kids dance?
Throw a flash bang in their room.
Who is the biggest slut in the world? Ms. Pacman, because you give her 25 cents and she swallows balls until she dies.
To master puns, you got to relish them first. That's how I must(ar)d it. Who knows, maybe you will ketchup to my level.
What did the leper say to the prostitute?
"Don't worry, you can keep the tip."
H: *walks into bedroom* Why are you packing your bags?
W: I heard in New York women get paid $400 for what I do for you for free.
*Later that day*
W: *walks into the bedroom to see husband packing his bags* What are you doing?
H: I’m going with you. I want to see how you live off of $800 a year.
What do you call blue and orange at the bottom of a pool?
A baby with flat armbands!
You know I'm not too into black girls, but Kobe's daughter was smoking!
What's the difference between tuna, a piano and glue?
You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna.
Do you know why the Royal family can no longer play Monopoly?
How do you think Princess Diana died?
...Too soon?
So I ran into my specialist doctor, and he said, "Pick a star sign, any star sign." So I said, "Capricorn," and he said, "Nah, you got cancer."