Me: I have depression.
Someone: You should get out more! Go outside!
Me: *goes to the beach* Now it's a tropical depression.
You Jokes
When you meet your gf at the family reunion.
Why did the Titanic sink? Because your mom was on it.
I will never forget my grandpa's last words: "You still holding the ladder, son?"
What do you call it when you rickroll someone in the LGBTQ?
You just got fruit-rolled.
When they say you live by the sword, you die by the sword, not in Paul Walker's case. He lived by the car, died by a tree. Well, I guess the car was stumped.
My friend said, "Why do you have depression? There is so much happiness in the world." And I said, "Why do you have asthma? There is so much air in the world."
Did you know there was a record for the quickest time to finish a story? The day it was set was 9/11. 99 stories in .4 seconds.
Me: You stupid. Guy: You straight. Me: Sorry, I'm not a mirror.
Titanic walks into a bar. Britannic: "What would you like to drink?" Titanic: "An iceberg."
Doctor: Do you want the good news or the bad news first?
Patient: Good news!
Doctor: We are naming a disease after you.
You have to have real balls to face prostate cancer.
Just not for long!
Me: I'm home, ma! Here's her with a new dad. Her: Go hang with someone. Me: Gets the noose, goes to fav tree. I love you, ma. 🙂
A French Sans would greet you with the "o bone-jour".
If you have an overdose on a drug and die, then the lethal dose would be a lifetime supply.
Roses are red, violets are blue.
YOU HAVE AN ARRANGED MARRIAGE WAITING FOR YOU...
Doctor: You need new glasses.
Patient: How'd you know? I haven't even told you what is wrong with me yet.
Doctor: I could tell as soon as you walked in through the window.
Me: Are you okay?
Dentist: I'm just a bit surprised. When I said to you "spit it out," I wasn't expecting you to say you've been shagging my wife.
What do you call a funny mountain?
Hill-arious.
A vampire stalks you into a field of corn. The stakes have never been higher...
