You jokes

Ahem... if somebody you don't like, or somebody random just calls you in general,

answer the phone with this:

"Hello, thank you for choosing Mama's Pizzeria/Abortion Clinic, your loss is our sauce, how may I help you?"

or

"Hello, this is David's Orphanage, you make them, we take them, how may I help you?"

Some people's reactions are priceless, and then they wonder about your mental health.

Why is the bible like a penis You get it forced down your throat by a priest

What do you call a cow with two legs?

Answer: Your mom.

I was walking down Main Street when I saw a child.

I told him, "I will give you 20$ if you get my balls back from the vet."

He replied, "Why did they take your balls sir?"

"Beer plus going to the vet does not work well for everybody, especially when you're a furry."

What's the best thing about dating a blind chick?

She can't identify you.

What did the dentist say when he looks into a patient's mouth?

"I C D K"

You know what I see?

DICK

I hope you get raped by a chimp in the forest

So my sister was eating Now&Laters, and I continuously heard smacking sounds. So I told her, "Can you stop smacking? It's annoying." Then she said, "I can't, it's a juicy type of candy." So I said, "I can stop the candies from making that sound." Then she said, "How?" So I smacked her. :)

One man walks up to another and says, "Hey, did you hear about the kidnapping at Main Street?" The guy says, "No." The other guy says, "Oh, he woke up."

"You da bomb!" "No, you da bomb!"

In the US, a compliment. In the Middle East, an argument.

What do you call an atheist bone? -- A blasfemur.

How do you stop your newspaper from flying away in the wind? -- Use a news anchor.

Q: How do you get a one armed person out of a tree?

A: You wave at them.

What do you call a mountain of kittens?

A meowtain.

My dad told me that his dreams were shattered a few years ago.

Then I asked him how many years ago.

He replied with, "When were you born?"

What song does Saturn sing?

"If you like it then you should have put a ring on it."

What do you call a couple Mexicans getting stoned in a bush? Buches baked breans.

What's red and screams when you shake it?

A skinned baby in a bag of salt.

A guy goes into his attic to clean it out and finds an old oil lamp. He thinks he could sell it instead of throwing it away, so he starts to rub it and out pops this genie. The genie says to him, "Thank you for awakening me, I can grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude." The guy wishes for a billion dollars, the genie grants it. The guy then asks for a huge mansion with 2 Lamborghinis and 2 Ferraris, the genie grants it.

The genie says, "This is your last wish so really make this one count." The guy says, "Well, I've always wanted to drive out to the Hawaiian islands, because airplanes scare me to death, so I would want a highway that could stretch from here all the way to the islands." The Genie says, "That is asking for quite a lot and I'm not sure if I can pull that off, is there anything else you'd want?" The guy says, "Well, I've been married and divorced three times, and I just can't understand what I've been doing wrong. I've given my ex-wives all the love and care that I could, but in the end it was never enough. I would want to have the ability to understand women." The genie thinks for a few moments and says, "Do you want a three or four lane highway?"

Whats the difference between NASA and religion

NASA takes you through space Religion takes you through two towers