You jokes

Ahem... if somebody you don't like, or somebody random just calls you in general,

answer the phone with this:

"Hello, thank you for choosing Mama's Pizzeria/Abortion Clinic, your loss is our sauce, how may I help you?"

or

"Hello, this is David's Orphanage, you make them, we take them, how may I help you?"

Some people's reactions are priceless, and then they wonder about your mental health.

I hope you get raped by a chimp in the forest

My dad told me that his dreams were shattered a few years ago.

Then I asked him how many years ago.

He replied with, "When were you born?"

One man walks up to another and says, "Hey, did you hear about the kidnapping at Main Street?" The guy says, "No." The other guy says, "Oh, he woke up."

What do you call an atheist bone? -- A blasfemur.

What did the dentist say when he looks into a patient's mouth?

"I C D K"

You know what I see?

DICK

What's the best thing about dating a blind chick?

She can't identify you.

I was walking down Main Street when I saw a child.

I told him, "I will give you 20$ if you get my balls back from the vet."

He replied, "Why did they take your balls sir?"

"Beer plus going to the vet does not work well for everybody, especially when you're a furry."

What do you call a cow with two legs?

Answer: Your mom.

So my sister was eating Now&Laters, and I continuously heard smacking sounds. So I told her, "Can you stop smacking? It's annoying." Then she said, "I can't, it's a juicy type of candy." So I said, "I can stop the candies from making that sound." Then she said, "How?" So I smacked her. :)

"You da bomb!" "No, you da bomb!"

In the US, a compliment. In the Middle East, an argument.

Dad, am I adopted?

NO! Why would I ever choose you?

How do you stop your newspaper from flying away in the wind? -- Use a news anchor.

Q: How do you get a one armed person out of a tree?

A: You wave at them.

What do you call a mountain of kittens?

A meowtain.

Cindy goes up to her dad and says: "Daddy, can I have $100 for a new dress?"

Her dad almost gags and says: "$100! You're only 12, what do you want with such an expensive dress?"

Cindy says: "Well daddy, I'll look really pretty in it and I promise to look after it ..."

Dad gives in and says: "OK, give me a head-job then".

He flops it out and Cindy just get the end in her mouth and goes: "Eeee-yooo - that taste's like shit!"

Dad goes: "Well, your brother wanted to borrow the car this afternoon ..."

An SQL query goes into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks, "Can I join you?"

What do you call a couple Mexicans getting stoned in a bush? Buches baked breans.

What song does Saturn sing?

"If you like it then you should have put a ring on it."

What's red and screams when you shake it?

A skinned baby in a bag of salt.