You jokes
My friend said, "Why do you have depression? There is so much happiness in the world." And I said, "Why do you have asthma? There is so much air in the world."
Did you know there was a record for the quickest time to finish a story? The day it was set was 9/11. 99 stories in .4 seconds.
Me: You stupid. Guy: You straight. Me: Sorry, I'm not a mirror.
Titanic walks into a bar. Britannic: "What would you like to drink?" Titanic: "An iceberg."
Doctor: Do you want the good news or the bad news first?
Patient: Good news!
Doctor: We are naming a disease after you.
You have to have real balls to face prostate cancer.
Just not for long!
Me: I'm home, ma! Here's her with a new dad. Her: Go hang with someone. Me: Gets the noose, goes to fav tree. I love you, ma. š
A French Sans would greet you with the "o bone-jour".
Roses are red, violets are blue.
YOU HAVE AN ARRANGED MARRIAGE WAITING FOR YOU...
Doctor: You need new glasses.
Patient: How'd you know? I haven't even told you what is wrong with me yet.
Doctor: I could tell as soon as you walked in through the window.
Me: Are you okay?
Dentist: I'm just a bit surprised. When I said to you "spit it out," I wasn't expecting you to say you've been shagging my wife.
What do you call a funny mountain?
Hill-arious.
A vampire stalks you into a field of corn. The stakes have never been higher...
What is the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?
You can unscrew a light bulb.
What do you call a prostitute with no arms or legs?
Cash and carry.
You couldn't spit out a good sentence, even if you ate a bowl of alphabet soup.
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office: I will find you... You have my Word.
When fat people sit down at a restaurant, and you listen closely, you can hear the chair screaming.
There are 206 bones in my body.
When I look at you, it becomes 207.
A wife says to her husband, "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back." "What do you expect?" he says, "You're in a fucking wheelchair!"