You jokes
Women are like the Twin Towers. After you smash them, and if some little people start jumping out, the government is gonna tax the shit outta you.
One day Little Johnny's class is having an English lesson. The teacher asks them, "Who can use the word intelligent in a sentence?" Little Mary says, "The teacher is very intelligent." The teacher asks them, "Who can use the word fashionable in a sentence?" Little Suzie says, "They are very fashionable." The teacher says, "Johnny, why don't you have a go? Use the word dictate in a sentence." Johnny thinks for a moment and then says, "Last night I heard Daddy asking Mommy 'Darling how does my dictate'"
Little Johnny catches his parents going at it and says, "Hey dad! Whatcha doin'?"
His father says, "I'm filling your mom's tank."
Johnny says, "Oh yeah, well, you better get a model that gets better mileage because the milk man filled her up this morning."
Jack and Jill went up the hill to get some marijuana. Jack got high and slapped her thigh and said "you know you wanna". Jill said yes, pulled down her dress, and then they had some fun. Silly Jill forgot the pill and now they have a son.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
Say all you want about priests, but at least they drive slowly in school zones.
What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A mosquito stops sucking when you slap it.
"Would you like to play the rape game?"
"No wtf" she replied.
"That's the spirit!"
Hey, can't wait to meet you! So join the crippling depression family!!
*on a date*
me - "I get to work with animals all day."
her - "How sweet! What do you do?"
me - "I'm a butcher."
How do you win an argument against a emo? kick the chair.
Hi, welcome to Dave's Orphanage. You make them, we take them. How may I help you?
Did you hear about the bisexual from Alabama? He can't decide whether to fuck his brother or his sister.
Q: Do you know why people don't like abortion jokes?
A: Because they leave people with a feeling of emptiness inside.
My best friend looked at my arms and said, "Stop, sh*t, it's bad," then turns right around and says, "You look like a tiger."
So from here on out I am now Finn, the self-harming tiger.
How do you get four prostitutes on one chair?
You turn it upside down.
What do you call an Asian who can't hear?
Wha U Sai
How do you find a blind man at a nude beach?
It isn't hard.
Man: What's up?
Me: I'm annoyed.
Man: Why?
Me: I stole my gf's heart.
Man: So why are you annoyed?
Me: Everyone else in the surgery room gave me weird looks.
Sometimes you just need to take a drive through the city to clear your head.
-JFK