You jokes

Hey, can't wait to meet you! So join the crippling depression family!!

How do you trick a Catholic priest into using the glory hole at an adult bookstore? Tell him it is a confessional booth.

One day Little Johnny's class is having an English lesson. The teacher asks them, "Who can use the word intelligent in a sentence?" Little Mary says, "The teacher is very intelligent." The teacher asks them, "Who can use the word fashionable in a sentence?" Little Suzie says, "They are very fashionable." The teacher says, "Johnny, why don't you have a go? Use the word dictate in a sentence." Johnny thinks for a moment and then says, "Last night I heard Daddy asking Mommy 'Darling how does my dictate'"

Little Johnny catches his parents going at it and says, "Hey dad! Whatcha doin'?"

His father says, "I'm filling your mom's tank."

Johnny says, "Oh yeah, well, you better get a model that gets better mileage because the milk man filled her up this morning."

How do you cut ancient Rome in half?

With a pair of Caesars.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to get some marijuana. Jack got high and slapped her thigh and said "you know you wanna". Jill said yes, pulled down her dress, and then they had some fun. Silly Jill forgot the pill and now they have a son.

How do you find a blind man at a nude beach?

It isn't hard.

*on a date*

me - "I get to work with animals all day."

her - "How sweet! What do you do?"

me - "I'm a butcher."

How do you win an argument against a emo? kick the chair.

Q: Do you know why people don't like abortion jokes?

A: Because they leave people with a feeling of emptiness inside.

What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?

A mosquito stops sucking when you slap it.

Sometimes you just need to take a drive through the city to clear your head.

-JFK

How do you make it hard for a rapist who is trying to rape you? Rub it.

Friend 1: What's the most disappointing thing that ever happened to you? For me, repeating a year.

Friend 2: Failing an important test. And you?

Then there is me: My life.

You wanna know why I hate circles so much? They’re just so pointless! But I guess that’s how they roll.

911 jokes are just plane wrong, my dad was a great pilot you know.

This joke probably flew over people's heads, but for some people it flew into their head.

What is the difference between a gay man and a fridge? A fridge doesn't moan when you put meat in it.

Say all you want about priests, but at least they drive slowly in school zones.

A boy walks in on his mother riding his father. "What are you doing?" the boy asks his mother. "I'm jumping on daddy to make him thin," said the mother. "Don't bother," said the boy, "when you go shopping, the lady next door comes and blows him up again."

Hi, welcome to Dave's Orphanage. You make them, we take them. How may I help you?