How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
What did Michael Jackson say to the kid on his lap?
"You have a great singer inside you."
Women are like the Twin Towers. After you smash them, and if some little people start jumping out, the government is gonna tax the shit outta you.
What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A mosquito stops sucking when you slap it.
Donald Trump is proud of being white, which is strange, considering he's orange. Makes you wonder why he didn't pull a Michael Jackson and bleach his own skin....
Hey, can't wait to meet you! So join the crippling depression family!!
Like this post to give someone you hate bad luck.
*on a date*
me - "I get to work with animals all day."
her - "How sweet! What do you do?"
me - "I'm a butcher."
How do you win an argument against a emo? kick the chair.
Father: "I don't trust you. You poured your seed in my daughter's belly."
Son: "But Paah, you can't fire me."
Father: "You're lucky you're my brother too, or I'd kill you."
Did you hear about the bisexual from Alabama? He can't decide whether to fuck his brother or his sister.
My best friend looked at my arms and said, "Stop, sh*t, it's bad," then turns right around and says, "You look like a tiger."
So from here on out I am now Finn, the self-harming tiger.
How do you get four prostitutes on one chair?
You turn it upside down.
Hi, welcome to Dave's Orphanage. You make them, we take them. How may I help you?
What do you call an Asian who can't hear?
Wha U Sai
Man: What's up?
Me: I'm annoyed.
Man: Why?
Me: I stole my gf's heart.
Man: So why are you annoyed?
Me: Everyone else in the surgery room gave me weird looks.
How do you find a blind man at a nude beach?
It isn't hard.
Sometimes you just need to take a drive through the city to clear your head.
-JFK
Q: Do you know why people don't like abortion jokes?
A: Because they leave people with a feeling of emptiness inside.
A wife decided to leave for a vacation, leaving her husband in supervision of her mother and her cat. After a few days, she called her husband and asked, “How is everything going?”
He responded with, “The cat is dead.”
She cried out and said, “Why couldn’t you have broken the news slowly? You could have said the cat is playing on the roof or on the first day, and the next say it broke its leg, then the next that the poor thing's dead! Anyways, how’s my mom?”
“She’s playing on the roof.”
