You jokes

What do you call a surprised Asian?

Ho Lee Fuc.

Did you know that a majority of the U.S. is afraid of the dark?

Especially if they are right behind you at the ATM.

A man is lying on the beach, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch. A woman passing by remarks, "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady." He replies, "If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself."

How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?

As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.

me: calls suicide hotline. hotline lady: suicide hotline, how are you doing today? me: not much, just hanging.

What do you do when your cat's not home?

Answer: You play with your neighbor's pussy.

What do you call frozen Ibuprofen?

A chill pill.

How do you keep your friends from boring you with pictures of their children?

Every time they show you a new one, you say, "Oh FUCK yeah!"

What's a pirate's favorite key on the keyboard?

Others: R.

Rrrr, you would think so, but it be the C.

A woman walks onto the bus with her child. The driver says, "That's the ugliest child I have ever seen!" The woman sits down and tells her neighbor. The neighbor replies, "Go say something back. Here, I'll hold your monkey for you!"

Waitress: You wanna box for your leftovers?

Me: No, but I'll arm wrestle you for the check.

So I went to the binoculars shop the other day. Tell you what, they saw me coming.

What do you call the worst joke ever?

Well, according to my mom, I am.

What do you get when I get mixed with coffee?

De-presso.

What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip off!

How do you blindfold a woman?

Put a windshield in front of them.

"You have to be more patient!" "Will it take a long time?"

What do you call a serial killer that only kills fat people?

A mass murderer.

A guy and girl had a sex poem competition.

Guy: "Two times two is four, four plus five is nine. I can put mine in yours, but you can't put yours in mine."

Girl: "Two times two is four, four plus five is nine. I know the length of yours, but you won't know the depth of mine."

What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers? Well hung.