You jokes

So, Little Johnny comes home from school knowing damn well he messed up his math test. His mother and father get home and he tells them, "Mom, I failed my math test." His mother aggressively says, "Get the belt!" Johnny says, "Why?" His mother says, "I'm gonna spank you for failing!" Johnny says, "So just like daddy?" His father turns red knowing what they did last night.

A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. "Jesus is watching you." The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing.

A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. "Jesus is watching you." Quite confused, the thief searches the house and checks the front door, but nothing pops out as unusual. He finally decides to move rooms, and finds a parrot, but ignores it. Before he can begin to do anything, someone speaks again, "Jesus is watching you." The robber realized it was the parrot talking!

Going to the parrot, he asks it, "Are you the one who's been talking to me?" The parrot responds, "Yes." The thief couldn't believe it. So, he asks another question. "What is your name?" "Ismael." the parrot replies. The man scoffed. "What type of idiot names a parrot Ismael?" The parrot speaks yet again, "The same type of idiot that names a Rottweiler Jesus."

What do you call a bear without an ear?

B.

Girlfriends are just like AK47s; they always go off on you.

What do you call pedophiles on a beach? Pedos in Speedos.

I guess you could say Stephen Hawking is a dead meme.

Daughter: "Hey dad, how do you feel about abortion?" Father: "Ask your sister." Daughter: "I don't have a..."

A guy wins a free ticket to the Super Bowl and so he’s very excited.

However, he’s not so excited when he gets there and realizes his seat’s in the back of the stadium.

So he looks around him for a better seat, and to his surprise he finds an empty seat right next to the field.

He approaches the older guy who’s sitting in the seat next to the empty one and asks if the seat is taken.

The man replies, “No.”

The young guy is very surprised to hear this and asks, “How could someone pass up a seat like this?”

The older guy replies, “It’s my wife’s seat. We’ve been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she’s passed away.”

“Oh, how sad,” the young guy says, taken aback. “I’m sorry to hear that, but couldn’t you find a friend or relative to come with you?”

“No,” the man replies, “They’re all at the funeral.”

Where do you find a dog with no arms or legs?

Where you left it.

What do you call an old black person? Farming antique.

What do you call a depressed tree?

A wood cutter.

You're so skinny that you use Chapstick as deodorant.

Why can you slap an orphan?

Are they going to tell mommy?

How do you know a cannibal picnic is over?

Everyone's eaten.

"I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time," a husband says to his wife. She thinks about it for a moment and then responds, "Your penis is bigger than your brother's."

Russia and Ukraine are running a marathon. Who do you think won? Russia did. Russia gave Ukraine a migraine.

Sister: You're adopted.

Me: At least they wanted me, they must feel terribly bad cuz they had to keep you :(

Comebacks when someone say: Bully: "Your teeth is so yellow that when you start smiling you slow down the traffic." Say: "At least its brighter than your future."

What's the difference between depression and your ex?

Depression fucks you harder.

Why can't orphans go on game shows?

You need a family member.