You jokes

Girlfriend: "One day I will marry and a lot of men will be sad that day."

Boyfriend: "Wow, how many men do you plan to marry?"

Whoever stole my Microsoft Office account, I'll make you pay. You have my word!

Did you know Helen Keller had a sister?

Neither did she.

How do you make an orphan's hands bleed?

Tell them to clap until their parents come home.

I: "Get a boomerang."

Type: "Why?"

Me: "Because for frisbee, you need friends."

What did the toilet say to the other toilet? "You look a bit flushed."

How do you fuck a cow?

Find the nearest Karen.

You are getting Cole for Christmas, you shit fuckers.

Don't you just hate it when you're the first one to fall asleep at a sleepover, and then you hear, "Prank em, John?"

When you can’t see your adopted joke pop up, it’s the same as asking your adopted friend where their parents are and never finding it.

POV there’s a school shooting.

American: First time, European?

European: Yeah, you American?

American: No, not my first time.

Your momma's so fat she started "Fat Lives Matter". Meetings are everyday:

11 o'clock McDonald's, 12 o'clock KFC, 1 o'clock Pizza Hut.

What's the difference between an ugly monster and you?

Nothing.

Lil Jimmy: Hey doc.

Doctor: Hi, sorry but I can’t see you anymore.

Lil Jimmy: Why?

Doctor: Because, Lil Jimmy, I’m a family doctor, you're an orphan.

Lil Jimmy: 👁👄👁🖕

What do women and chess have in common? When you sacrifice the females and replace them, you are more likely to win.

Are you bleach? Because I want you inside of me.

My life is so sad it's because you're in it.

How do you keep your friends from boring you with pictures of their children?

Every time they show you a new one, you say, "Oh FUCK yeah!"

What's a pirate's favorite key on the keyboard?

Others: R.

Rrrr, you would think so, but it be the C.

I went to my sister's room one day. I saw a trophy, so I asked my sister how she won it. My sister said the neighbors gave it to her because she gave out the best hand jobs in the neighborhood. I guess my sister put her hands to good use.