Waitress: You wanna box for your leftovers?
Me: No, but I'll arm wrestle you for the check.
You Jokes
A woman walks onto the bus with her child. The driver says, "That's the ugliest child I have ever seen!" The woman sits down and tells her neighbor. The neighbor replies, "Go say something back. Here, I'll hold your monkey for you!"
How do you keep your friends from boring you with pictures of their children?
Every time they show you a new one, you say, "Oh FUCK yeah!"
What's a pirate's favorite key on the keyboard?
Others: R.
Rrrr, you would think so, but it be the C.
Did you know that a lot of graves are put in churchyards?
Yeah, they're pretty holey.
Son: Dad, I know I'm adopted.
Dad: Well, how do you know?
Son: I found the adoption papers.
Dad: That is for your mum.
If you know, you know.
What do you call a rich Chinese person? Cha-ching!
Ask Siri what rich North Koreans are there.
Siri: "I could not find anything for this question."
Sex is basically math. You add the bed. Subtract the clothes. Divide the legs to multiply inside.
What do you do when your cat's not home?
Answer: You play with your neighbor's pussy.
What do you call an LGBTQ person getting grilled? LGBBQ.
Q. What do you get when you blindfold a racist?
A. A Notsee.
What kind of club is every parent afraid of their kid joining?
The Mikey Jackson club.
How do you spell the name of the most dangerous pedophile?
M-I-C-H-A-E-L J-O-S-E-P-H J-A-C-K-S-O-N
How do you know if a Black woman is pregnant?
Stick a chicken wing up there.
How come you never see a gay person in a wheelchair?
It’s hard to be a fruit, when you’re already a vegetable.
I was in a school shooting a few years ago, 3 people died.
I guess that’s what you get when you’re bad at hide and seek.
What do parents tell little boys to make them behave?
"Be good, or when you're asleep, Michael Jackson will get you!"
What do you call an emo with no legs?
Emobile.
Why do you wrap a hamster in duct tape?
So it doesn’t explode when you’re fucking it.
What do you get when you cross a bisexual male that is a catholic priest and a christian police officer that is a bisexual male and a born again homophobic heteroflexable male that is a christian nationalist who is in the closet a gay man that needs to be force out of the closet by any means necessary?
A gay guy and a trucker get in a car crash.
The gay guy says, "Somebody call the police! This man just rammed into me!"
The trucker says, "What the fuck did you just say, fucker? Get over here, I'm gonna wreck your ass!"
The gay man then says, "It's okay, everybody, don't call the police! He wants to negotiate."
