You jokes

Therapist: So how depressed would you say you’ve been feeling lately?

Me: I don’t care anymore if my foot hangs over the bed where a monster can get it.

Therapist [whispering]: Jesus, wow.

Broke my toenail yesterday. I'm now presenting you puns/jokes:

1. "Yeah, I broke my toenail, wanna see phoTOES?" 2. "I'm tired of bandaging my toe! Oh. My. GAUZE."

Chuck Norris once took down a fence. Maybe you heard of it, the Berlin Wall.

If at first you don't succeed,

Maybe Russian Roulette isn't for you.

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Olive.

Olive who?

Olive you ♥️.

If you own a gun and you live in the USA, hide your gun upstairs. Biden can't get it.

Biden: *falls over on steps*

You're not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.

Is it just me, or do you kids have imaginations?

What do you call four black people in a sleeping bag?

A Kit Kat.

What do you call a depressed tree?

A wood cutter.

Roses are red, violets are blue. Get over here so I can fuck you.

You: “Knock knock.” Person: “Who’s there?” You: “Leaf.” Person: “Leaf who?” You: “Leaf this house!”

*Apple bottom jeans plays*

doctor: you need to eat healthy.

me: no.

doctor: the last patient who didn't change their diet after I suggested it died.

me: oh my goodness.

doctor: in a plane crash.

me: that sounds unrelated.

doctor: I'm the one that crashed it. Do not disobey me!

The school shooter: "I finally found you worthless crybabies!!"

The Quiet Kid: "How are a bag of chips and a mac11 the same?"

The school shooter: "I don't know."

The Quiet kid: "When you pull them out everybody wants to be your friend."

How do you make an adopted kid bleed? ... Tell him to clap until his parents come back.

When you break up with your online girlfriend, and you hear your uncle crying in the other room.

What's an emo's favorite game?

Limbo.

(If you don't understand the joke, go look up what Limbo is.)

What is the difference between a hooker and a feminist?

If you want a hooker to be a bitch, you have to give her money first.

How do you get to the Hogwarts gym?

Go through the dumbbell door.

Whenever I have diarrhea, my roommate gets constipated.

When I told him this, he said, "Are you kidding me?"

I said, "I shit you not."