You jokes
What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes?
Fat, you get fat.
What? Were you expecting a pi joke?
The teacher asked, "Why are you in school on a Saturday?"
I told her my mum told me to go to hell.
Did you hear about the guy who got a tattoo of an octopus?
He got inked up.
So there I was, having a fantastic time going down on my nan.
When suddenly I got a nasty taste in my mouth.
"Wait a minute," I said. This distinctly tastes like horse semen.
Then it clicked.
"Ah, so that's how you died."
what's the difference between an onion and a baby?
nobody cries when you cut up the baby.
School and Boot Camp are a lot alike. The only difference is that in school, you don't have to get deployed to get shot at.
What do you call someone who hates rape jokes? An ugly feminist that couldn't get a cock in her mouth.
This man got his left arm and left leg cut off, and someone asked him, "How are you?" And he said, "I’m all right now."
what do you call a bunch of retarded kids in a hot tub?
steamed vegetables.
A brunette, a red-head, and a blonde are being chased by bandits. They are chased to the edge of a cliff and a genie appears.
"I will help you escape," says the genie, "say what you wish to turn into, and you will become that thing."
The brunette jumps off the cliff and says "Hawk." She turns into a hawk and flies away. The red-head says "Falcon." She turns into a falcon and flies away. Now the blonde is alone and the bandits are getting closer. She makes her decision and backs up, then runs toward the cliff. And...she trips and says "Crap."
The End
What does a phone and a grandma have in common? They both die.
What's the difference between them? If you shove something up your grandma's ass, she won't come back to life.
How do you circumcise a redneck?
You kick his sister in the jaw.
How do you get a dishwasher to shovel snow? Give the bitch a shovel.
What do you call Helen Keller in a pitch black, sound proof room?
Unnecessary.
What can you say both at a funeral and during sex?
This would be much better if you were alive.
What do you call a kid who's been kidnapped?
Well, her name's Sally, so I guess... Sally. My main concern is getting her out of the freezer.
A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, Blonde."
The blonde then taped the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"
What's the difference between a refrigerator and a gay guy? You have to ask permission before stuffing it with meat.
How do you get bubblegum out of your hair?
Cancer.
What do you call a Mexican that hung him self? a pinata