You jokes

My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women. I think she is overreacting.

She asked why I broke up with the last girl, and I said,

"It didn't work out."

She told me to be more specific, so I said,

"I just told you, she didn't exercise."

Roses are red, eggs come in a dozen, do I need to revive Hitler to teach you how to use a goddamn oven?

I was in a school shooting a few years ago, 3 people died.

I guess that’s what you get when you’re bad at hide and seek.

My wife told me to stop being an idiot.

I told her, "Which one do you want?"

Let's play carpenter. First, we'll get hammered, then I'll nail you.

Are you a pirate? Because I have a lot of seamen waiting for you 😉

Wanna play shark attack? I eat, you scream!

What do you call a homeless Hitler?

A roofless dictator.

When someone says you're adopted, say, "But you're still at the orphanage."

How are Kentucky Fried Chicken and a woman the same?

Once you take away the legs and the breasts, you’re left with one greasy box to put your bone in.

Son: Dad, I had sex for the first time.

Dad: Would you like to talk about it?

Son: Sure.

Dad: Sit down and let's talk about it.

Son: I can't, my butt hurts.

You look good with anything, but nothing works too.

What did the elephant say to the naked man?

"How do you breathe through something so small?"

What’s the difference between a bitch and a whore?

A whore sleeps with everyone at the party. A bitch sleeps with everyone at the party—except you.

What's the best way to catch a fish? Ask someone to throw it to you.

Yo mama's so dumb, when a robber stole her TV, she said, "You forgot the remote!"

Q: What do you call a black prostitute in space?

A: The Blackhole.

I was walking down the street and saw a kid and I said, "Are you an orphan?"

He said, "Yeah, what gave me away?"

I said, "Your parents at first."

What do you call an Asian Chihuahua?

A Konichiuahua.

Teacher: "What do you think is your purpose in our society?"

Me: "To reduce the population by one."