You jokes
What did the dime say to the penny? At least I have more cents than you.
"Did you go to the light show?"
"Yeah, it was lit."
Teacher: "I'm sorry, but you got a 74 on the test."
Quiet Kid: "I'll show you my own 74."
Classroom: *visible panic*
How do you make a pool table laugh? Tickle its balls.
Why don’t you act like your hairline and kindly take several steps back?
Son: Dad, I had sex for the first time.
Dad: Would you like to talk about it?
Son: Sure.
Dad: Sit down and let's talk about it.
Son: I can't, my butt hurts.
I asked an emo girl, "Do you ever get jealous of your phone when it dies?"
When you forget the pinata at the birthday party. The kids: "Aww man." But the emo kid just hung himself. Kids: "Yaaaaayyy." Parents: "Adjust, improvise, overcome, that is the way."
What’s the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.
What do you call a rich Asian?
Cha-ching!
Son: “Dad, did you get the results of the DNA test back?”
Dad: “Call me George.”
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn’t matter, it won’t come to you.
Teacher: "What do you think is your purpose in our society?"
Me: "To reduce the population by one."
Why do you call a priest a father? Because calling them daddy would be too sus.
What do you tell a depressed person?
Just hang in there!
What do you call Adolf Hitler in a pool? Adolfin.
How do you say "Brazier" in German?
Stop 'em from floppin' (German accent)
You look like the 0.01 percent of bacteria the Lysol didn't kill.
If all your clothes were stolen, what would you go home in?
The dark.
What do you call a selfie that is taken by an orphan?
Answer: A family photo.