I asked an emo girl, "Do you ever get jealous of your phone when it dies?"
You Jokes
When you forget the pinata at the birthday party. The kids: "Aww man." But the emo kid just hung himself. Kids: "Yaaaaayyy." Parents: "Adjust, improvise, overcome, that is the way."
What’s the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.
What do you call a rich Asian?
Cha-ching!
Son: “Dad, did you get the results of the DNA test back?”
Dad: “Call me George.”
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn’t matter, it won’t come to you.
Teacher: "What do you think is your purpose in our society?"
Me: "To reduce the population by one."
Why do you call a priest a father? Because calling them daddy would be too sus.
What do you tell a depressed person?
Just hang in there!
What do you call Adolf Hitler in a pool? Adolfin.
How do you say "Brazier" in German?
Stop 'em from floppin' (German accent)
You look like the 0.01 percent of bacteria the Lysol didn't kill.
If all your clothes were stolen, what would you go home in?
The dark.
What do you call a selfie that is taken by an orphan?
Answer: A family photo.
What do you call two monkeys who share the same Amazon account? Prime mates.
Imagine getting a call and it says, "Welcome to David's orphanage. You make them, we take them. How may we help you?"
How do you spell ihop?
Then spell ihop and say "ness".
What happens when Rick Astley is getting an erection whilst singing "Never Gonna Give You Up"?
You get PRICKrolled.
People say that biting off your finger would be as easy as biting a carrot if your brain didn't try to stop you. How the f do people know that and how many people's fingers did they bite off before coming to that conclusion?
I'm not saying you're ugly, but you're the reason God created miscarriages!
