You jokes

Parents: "OH! Honey, we were just wrestling!"

Little Johnny: "OK! I'll join you!"

Ninety percent of your beauty can be removed with a Kleenex.

Oh, were you talking to me? I thought you only talked behind my back.

Hold still, I am trying to imagine you with a personality.

What do you call a gay drive-by? A fruit roll-up.

Billy: *spits out food*

Mom: BILLY! We swallow what we have in our mouths.

Dad: *looks at mom*

Mom: Shut up.

If you get it, you get it.

The thing I don't like about shopping centers...

When you see one, you've seen a mall.

Did you hear about the deaf man who got a ticket?

It's OK, he didn't either!

I asked a Japanese chef how to make a good bowl of ramen, he said "Let me show you."

Like if your best friend is emo. *repost* or like if you have a best friend.

I'll never forget my grandpa's last words.

"Are you still holding the ladder?"

When people make accounts about you and a category.

A man comes home and hears his wife talking about having sex at the club. The man busts into the club with a revolver and says, "WHO TF FUCKED MY WIFE?" Well, everyone looks over and is quiet, and someone in the back says, "Mate, you don't have enough bullets."

What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes?

Fat, you get fat.

What? Were you expecting a pi joke?

The teacher asked, "Why are you in school on a Saturday?"

I told her my mum told me to go to hell.

Did you hear about the guy who got a tattoo of an octopus?

He got inked up.

So there I was, having a fantastic time going down on my nan.

When suddenly I got a nasty taste in my mouth.

"Wait a minute," I said. This distinctly tastes like horse semen.

Then it clicked.

"Ah, so that's how you died."

what's the difference between an onion and a baby?

nobody cries when you cut up the baby.

This man got his left arm and left leg cut off, and someone asked him, "How are you?" And he said, "I’m all right now."

School and Boot Camp are a lot alike. The only difference is that in school, you don't have to get deployed to get shot at.

What do you call someone who hates rape jokes? An ugly feminist that couldn't get a cock in her mouth.

What do you call a roach in milk?

A roach con leche. 😂