You jokes

I asked a Japanese chef how to make a good bowl of ramen, he said "Let me show you."

I'll never forget my grandpa's last words.

"Are you still holding the ladder?"

Did you hear about the deaf man who got a ticket?

It's OK, he didn't either!

The teacher asked, "Why are you in school on a Saturday?"

I told her my mum told me to go to hell.

What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes?

Fat, you get fat.

What? Were you expecting a pi joke?

Did you hear about the guy who got a tattoo of an octopus?

He got inked up.

So there I was, having a fantastic time going down on my nan.

When suddenly I got a nasty taste in my mouth.

"Wait a minute," I said. This distinctly tastes like horse semen.

Then it clicked.

"Ah, so that's how you died."

what's the difference between an onion and a baby?

nobody cries when you cut up the baby.

What do you call someone who hates rape jokes? An ugly feminist that couldn't get a cock in her mouth.

In some places in the world, you can't get an abortion even after rape. That's so fucked up.

You serve your time, you get out, and you STILL have to pay child support. What a nightmare.

This man got his left arm and left leg cut off, and someone asked him, "How are you?" And he said, "I’m all right now."

School and Boot Camp are a lot alike. The only difference is that in school, you don't have to get deployed to get shot at.

What do you call a roach in milk?

A roach con leche. 😂

A brunette, a red-head, and a blonde are being chased by bandits. They are chased to the edge of a cliff and a genie appears.

"I will help you escape," says the genie, "say what you wish to turn into, and you will become that thing."

The brunette jumps off the cliff and says "Hawk." She turns into a hawk and flies away. The red-head says "Falcon." She turns into a falcon and flies away. Now the blonde is alone and the bandits are getting closer. She makes her decision and backs up, then runs toward the cliff. And...she trips and says "Crap."

The End

How do you circumcise a redneck?

You kick his sister in the jaw.

What does a phone and a grandma have in common? They both die.

What's the difference between them? If you shove something up your grandma's ass, she won't come back to life.

What's a good way to masturbate?

Get somebody to do it for you.

How do you get a dishwasher to shovel snow? Give the bitch a shovel.

What do you call a kid who's been kidnapped?

Well, her name's Sally, so I guess... Sally. My main concern is getting her out of the freezer.

What can you say both at a funeral and during sex?

This would be much better if you were alive.