You jokes

I am about to make a joke about cake. You butter believe it.

So, Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it. One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says, "Teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is." She replies, "Okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it." But before class ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties. After class is over and the students clear out, Johnny makes his guess. "Blue." "Nope. You got it wrong," she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn't wearing any underwear. "Well, come with me out to my dad's car, he's waiting for me, and I'll get you the money." She follows him out. When they get to the car, she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn't wearing any underwear. His dad exclaims: "That mother fucker! He bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your pussy before the end of the day!"

What do you do when a person with epilepsy gets seizures in the bathtub? Throw in some laundry.

Parents: "OH! Honey, we were just wrestling!"

Little Johnny: "OK! I'll join you!"

Billy: *spits out food*

Mom: BILLY! We swallow what we have in our mouths.

Dad: *looks at mom*

Mom: Shut up.

If you get it, you get it.

You realize you're in a paradox until you die. You'll see yourself die by murder, suicide, old age, etc.

Then you realize you're dreaming, but you realize that if you die in a dream, you die IRL.

If I'm ugly, why do you always look at me when I come in the door?

Ninety percent of your beauty can be removed with a Kleenex.

Oh, were you talking to me? I thought you only talked behind my back.

Hold still, I am trying to imagine you with a personality.

What do you call a fish with no eye?

Fsh.

What do you call a Chinese millionaire?

Cha ching.

There is a thin line between death and life!

You won't live to see it.....

The Cardiogram will!!

When people make accounts about you and a category.

Like if your best friend is emo. *repost* or like if you have a best friend.

The thing I don't like about shopping centers...

When you see one, you've seen a mall.

What do you call a dead pine tree? A Nevergreen!

I asked a Japanese chef how to make a good bowl of ramen, he said "Let me show you."

Did you hear about the deaf man who got a ticket?

It's OK, he didn't either!

What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes?

Fat, you get fat.

What? Were you expecting a pi joke?

The teacher asked, "Why are you in school on a Saturday?"

I told her my mum told me to go to hell.

Did you hear about the guy who got a tattoo of an octopus?

He got inked up.