You Jokes

A man was sitting in the restaurant and ordered a whole buffet. He is visited by an oracle. Apollo says, "If you eat that buffet, everyone you love will die."

"Up yours," the man said, "What are they going to die of, famine?"

Moments later, there was an incident that took place in the restaurant. Everyone literally died. It turned out the restaurant had a B-. I said, "Is that really a thing groaning on the hospital?"

The doctor said, "Know that is your condition, you have hepatitis B-."

"What the FU***** SH**"

Apollo is sitting in Mount Olympus, dying also in laughter.

Question: Why can't you trust a tree?

Answer: 'Cause they are always shady.

Once there were three Indians. Two were smart and one was... not so smart.

One day, the first smart Indian went out hunting. He came back with a dead deer. The not so smart Indian asks "How'd you do it?"

The smart one replies, "I followed the deer tracks, shot the deer, and brought it home."

The next day, the next smart Indian goes out. He comes back with a dead bear. The not so smart Indian asks once again "How'd you do it?"

The smart one replies, "I followed the bear tracks, shot the bear, and brought it home."

Finally, it's now the not so smart Indian's turn to go hunt. Multiple hours had passed since he left. The smart Indians go out to search for him. They finally find him, bloodied and on the verge of dying. The smart Indians exclaimed "WHAT HAPPENED!"

The not so smart Indian replies,

"Well I... I followed the train tracks, an... and shot th- the train... bu- but it kept going..."

What do you call that big, useless piece of skin attached to the outside of a vagina? A woman.

Bully (😟): Gina, why are you such a whore ???

Gina (😞): Because they hit me on the butt!

Bully (😏): Yes, that must be cute!

Gina (🙁): Hmmm ...

Gina (😉): Do you want ???

Bully (💕): 😍😍😍 ... sexy ass!

Bully 🖐🏻🍑

Gina😊

The image shows a split panel, with the top half depicting a person pointing his finger forward with the text "What if you". The top right panel shows an image of heaven with the text "Wanted to go to Heaven". The bottom left panel shows the same person, but this time with his mouth open and finger pointing up with the text "But god said". The bottom right has a longer text asking "is your name amy and are you the smelly Indian who everyone hates because she was so fucking jealous of a guy who literally said he wouldn't online date anymore as soon as he saw your face? is that you?"

How many babies does it take to paint a wall

Depends how hatd you throw them

If you read this, your life is a joke

What do you call a three-humped camel?

Pregnant.

Have you ever wondered how your teachers would look if they were 20 years younger than they actually are? I bet some of them would be smoking hot. Especially my 25-year-old English teacher. I'd bang her if she were 20 years younger.

What do you do if your dishwasher stops working?

Punch her in the face and remind her of her duties.

What happens if you mix a dick with a potato?

You get a dictator dic-dick-tator-potato!

What do you call a dead human?

A DEAD HUMAN! HAHAHahahah ha.. ha.. ha Am I the only one laughing?

Trump's cabinet are like panties. Some crawl up your butt, some snap under pressure, and some actually cover your butt when you need them.

You dropped your toilet paper, right? You want to pick it up, but you can't because you have poop in your butt and it scwoshd! 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂