You jokes

A depressed kid takes a drink of water and someone takes it and takes a drink. "Oh come on, the train stopped, the rope broke, I couldn't get on the building, the gun was empty, the knife was dull, the bridge was too low, and the cliff was nonexistent, and now you took the poison!"

So this guy is talking to his buddy about his flying lessons. "My first time in the air, my instructor informed me that he was an 8th degree black belt and homosexual, and if I don't succumb to his sexual advances I would have to jump out of the plane," and his buddy says, "Well, did you jump?" The guy says, "Yeah, a little at first."

A woman is on the edge of a bridge, about to commit suicide, when a strange man comes up to her.

"Tell me, why do you wish to end your life?" he asks in a booming but gentle voice.

"My children died last year in a car crash, I'm battling depression, my husband left me, and I lost my job," she sobs. "I don't wish to live anymore."

The man mulls this over, and proclaims, "I will solve all your problems, as I am a wizard and possess unfathomable abilities. However, you must grant me a blowjob first."

The delighted woman readily agrees, takes him below the bridge, and fulfills his request. After they're done, he asks, "How old are you?"

"37," she replies, wiping her mouth.

"You're 37 and you still believe in wizards?"

You know what they say about dark humor: it hits harder than a drunk parent.

You know, I like my girls how I like my 9/11: Two twins that go down easy.

What do you call a porn star that always goes back for more?

Craven Morehead.

Have you walked into Stephen Hawking's house?

Oh, neither did he.

Did you know cannibals ate KFC?

Kentucky Fried Children.

My friend once said my opinion didn't matter. I said, "Why did you call me a female?"

Roses are red. Violets are too. You better run, I’m following you!

A depressed guy walks into a bar and says, "Can I get shot?"

The bartender then says, "You mean, can you get a shot, right?"

The bartender then says, "Well... what drink would you like?"

The depressed guy then responds with, "No, I really want to get shot."

I was beefing with a dude in a wheelchair, so I took his wheelchair and threw it across the street and told him, "Walk it off, you will be fine."

Customer: "Can I get this in a smaller size and a different color?"

Employee: "Ma'am, this is an adoption agency, you can't do that here!"

What do you call it when Panera Bread has bread?

Panera Bread.

What do you call a white guy with a 10 inch cock?

Asleep. Because that motherfucker's dreaming.

A: She looks good when she opens her hair. 😮

B: You will look good when you open your wallet. 👛

"You the bomb!" No, "you the bomb!" A compliment in America, an argument in Afghanistan.

Q: How many children does it take to shingle a roof?

A: Depends on how thinly you slice them.

Pickup lines in 2022 are like: "Are you Russia? Because your bombs are so big!"

It’s really hard to maintain a good body lately, unless you put it in a freezer.