You jokes
What do you call a cow who plays an instrument? -- A moosician.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?
Ask them to pronounce "unionized".
A programmer and his wife.
She says, "We're out of bread. Please go to the grocery store and buy one. And if they've got eggs, get six."
After a while, he's back with six loaves of bread.
The wife asks, "Why did you buy 6 loaves of bread?"
He replies, "They had eggs."
What do you call it when you baptize a Mexican? Bean dip!
You meet the guy who invented 0, what do you tell him? Thanks for nothing!
Imagine you're playing GTA and you finally found out how to take out a gun: Option 1: shoot someone Option 2: suicide
Me: Aren't they the same thing?
How do you win an argument against an emo?
Kick the chair!
I would roast you but burning trash is bad for the environment.
I was thinking about you today. It reminded me to take out the trash.
I was going on a date when I decided to put on Penaldo’s PR7 cologne to smell good. As I put on the cologne, my skin started to turn invisible!
I then realized the cologne had made me turn into a ghost 👻. Shame on you, Penaldo, for ruining my date 😡!
Quiet kid: "I'm home!"
Parents: "What did you learn at school today?"
Quiet kid: "I've learned that I've had enough!"
What do you call a group of depressed kids?
Suicide Squad!
My dad died the other day, but I was able to hear his last words: "Son, are you still holding the ladder?"
Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?
No?
They both got six months.
Bf: What do you think about our love?
Gf: Count the stars in the sky.
Bf: Aww, it's infinity.
Gf: Nope, just a waste of time.
A depressed kid takes a drink of water and someone takes it and takes a drink. "Oh come on, the train stopped, the rope broke, I couldn't get on the building, the gun was empty, the knife was dull, the bridge was too low, and the cliff was nonexistent, and now you took the poison!"
So this guy is talking to his buddy about his flying lessons. "My first time in the air, my instructor informed me that he was an 8th degree black belt and homosexual, and if I don't succumb to his sexual advances I would have to jump out of the plane," and his buddy says, "Well, did you jump?" The guy says, "Yeah, a little at first."
You know, I like my girls how I like my 9/11: Two twins that go down easy.
What do you call a bad amputation?
A rip-off.
Did you know cannibals ate KFC?
Kentucky Fried Children.