You jokes

Quiet kid: "I'm home!"

Parents: "What did you learn at school today?"

Quiet kid: "I've learned that I've had enough!"

My dad died the other day, but I was able to hear his last words: "Son, are you still holding the ladder?"

Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?

No?

They both got six months.

You meet the guy who invented 0, what do you tell him? Thanks for nothing!

A depressed kid takes a drink of water and someone takes it and takes a drink. "Oh come on, the train stopped, the rope broke, I couldn't get on the building, the gun was empty, the knife was dull, the bridge was too low, and the cliff was nonexistent, and now you took the poison!"

So this guy is talking to his buddy about his flying lessons. "My first time in the air, my instructor informed me that he was an 8th degree black belt and homosexual, and if I don't succumb to his sexual advances I would have to jump out of the plane," and his buddy says, "Well, did you jump?" The guy says, "Yeah, a little at first."

You know, I like my girls how I like my 9/11: Two twins that go down easy.

You know what they say about dark humor: it hits harder than a drunk parent.

Did you know cannibals ate KFC?

Kentucky Fried Children.

What do you call a porn star that always goes back for more?

Craven Morehead.

My friend once said my opinion didn't matter. I said, "Why did you call me a female?"

What do you call a bad amputation?

A rip-off.

Have you walked into Stephen Hawking's house?

Oh, neither did he.

How do you punish a blind guy?

You leave a plunger in the toilet.

Roses are red. Violets are too. You better run, I’m following you!

Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose?

They couldn’t close his casket.

Suicide is just self-defense. You're killing the person that tried to kill you.

A homeless man sits in front of a Home Depot. A man walking out of the store hands him some money and asks, "Why are you in front of the Home Depot?" And the man says, "Isn't it obvious? Hoping somebody accidentally drops the house they just bought."

Google is a woman because it doesn’t let you finish a sentence before it makes suggestions.

What do you call it when Panera Bread has bread?

Panera Bread.