You jokes
What did the calculator say to the student?
You can always count on me.
Why are washers better than babies?
Washers don't cry when you put a load in them.
What do you call a kid that's in the fire? Hot Wheels.
Your mama is so funny looking that when the doctor called her, he said, "Never visit me again. I hope you die!"
How can you get free butt plants? Just get your man to fill your butt with natural juices.
What do you call 2 Indians on a dating website? Connect the dots.
I heard a neat little trick you can use to have a public pool all to yourself. If you blow a whistle 3 times, everyone will just get out!
How many children can you fit in a box?
Maybe five if you have a trash compactor.
I like to commit arson as a recreational activity, you?
When God had to take a shit from making a good wife, you pasted between his ass cheeks...
When you get injured 😢
When you get injured in America 😭😭😭😭💵💵💵💵💵🏩🏩🏩
When you name yourself Twin Towers and Terrorist in Kahoot:
"Twin Towers" is on fire🔥
"Terrorist" is on a streak of 2.
If you kick an orphan, what are they gonna do? Tell their parents on you?
What do you call it when an orphan takes a selfie?
A family portrait.
Little Johnny runs up to his mother and says, “Mommy, mommy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs, and my ball got away and into your closet. When I went to get it, Daddy came in with the lady next door, and they started hugging and kissing. The lady next door took off Daddy’s clothes, and Daddy took off the clothes from the lady next door, and they both got into your bed. The lady next door got on top of Daddy and started...”.
The mother cuts him off and says, “Just stop right there. You wait until your daddy comes home so you can tell him everything you just told me.” A couple hours later, the father arrives and walks through the door to find his wife and child with bags packed. She walks up to him and slaps across the face, shouting, “I’m leaving you... Go ahead, Johnny, tell him what you told me earlier.” Johnny steps forward to tell his daddy. “Daddy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs, and my ball got away and into your closet. When I went to get it, you came in with the lady next door, and you both started hugging and kissing. The lady next door took off your clothes, and you took off the clothes from the lady next door, and you both got into your bed. The lady next door got on top of you and started doing the same thing Mom did with Uncle Joe last summer.”
What part of a vegetable can you not eat?
The wheelchair.
Don't let mistakes drag you down. My dad made one mistake, but it ended up fulfilling the 5-year plan of heat energy generation in less than a millisecond.
I was going on a date when I decided to put on Penaldo’s PR7 cologne to smell good. As I put on the cologne, my skin started to turn invisible!
I then realized the cologne had made me turn into a ghost 👻. Shame on you, Penaldo, for ruining my date 😡!
Karen walks into McDonald's.
Lady at the counter: HI what can I get for you today??
Karen: I want 1 SMALL FRIES PLEASE AND MAKE IT SNAPPY LITTLE NOODLE!
Lady at the counter: yes miss.
Karen: I WILL NOW INSPECT THIS.
Lady at the counter: *sweats*
Karen: THIS IS NOT SALTY ENOUGHT! GET ME THE MANAGER KNOW, SKINY NOODLE!
Do you ever consider during the cremation that the meat is well done?