You jokes

What's the difference between jelly and jam? You can't jelly a clown into the tiny car.

What do you call a man with no arms or legs being pulled by a boat?

Skip.

What do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesn’t matter; it ain’t coming to you.

Why do you think China should have a baseball team?

They can destroy the entire world with a single bat.

How do you blind an Asian?

Put a windshield in front of them.

You know you’re not liked when you get handed the camera every time they take a group photo.

Want to know how you make any salad into a Caesar salad?

Stab it twenty-three times.

Boy goes to Confession.

Boy: "What are you doing, Father?"

Priest: "It's called masturbation, and soon you will be doing it."

Boy: "Why do you say that, Father?"

Priest: "'Cause my hand is getting tired!"

-not my joke

How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?

Call and tell her about it.

If you ever think no one cares about you,

kill someone, then the news will.

Why can't you make jokes about catholic priests?

Because they blow up in your face.

Don’t you hate it when you are driving in a school zone and the speed bump starts screaming?

How do you make the world’s greatest Harlem Shake?

Throw a flashbang into a room full of epileptics.

My father always used to say:

"What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger."

Until the accident.

Have you ever tried Ethiopian food?

Neither have they.

Say what you will about pedophiles. At least they drive slowly through school zones.

What’s the first thing you should do if an epileptic is having a seizure in the bathtub?

Throw in your dirty laundry!

A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian said:

"F*ck off! You won’t bring it back."

Why shouldn’t you call people in China?

Because there are so many Wings and Wongs you might "wing" the wrong number.

Are you made of Gold, Titanium, Sulfur, Titanium, and Carbon?

Cause damn, you lookin' kinda Au Ti S Ti C!