You jokes
That time when you realize that Osama bin Laden and Carrie Underwood share the same birthday...
Neo-Confederates all claim to be about "heritage" not "hate". Well, if your heritage consists of Kelly Clarkson, riding on siblings, and treating Donald Trump as if he's the second coming, then it really sucks to be you.
What do you call two brunettes and a blonde in the NFL?
Two tight ends and a wide receiver!
A blonde accidentally kills a cop and calls the police.
She exclaims, “Hello, is this 911?”
The other person, “Yes, what is your emergency?”
The blonde answered, “I called to inform you that you’re 910 now.”
What do you get when a topless blonde rubs sun tanning oil on a topless brunette?
Your camera.
A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde walk into a bar.
They were having a chat when the bartender asked them about their opinions on elements.
The redhead says, “I love gold because I can buy a lot of cars with it.”
The brunette says, “I would prefer platinum because it is more valuable than gold and can buy you more cars.”
The blonde says, “I have 2 bags of silicon and you should see the cars outside my house.”
How can you surprise someone who is blind?
Leave a plunger in the toilet.
Roses are red, violets are blue, You told me I'm ugly, nah, you look like a monkey!
What do you call a serial killer that only kills fat people?
A mass murderer.
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
You pull the pin and throw it back!
What do you call a stoned kid with Down syndrome?
A baked potato.
What do you call a religious drug addict?
A crystal methodist.
What’s the difference between depression and your ex?
Depression fucks you harder.
Did you know that people say Michael Jackson only became a pedophile when he was white?
Lucky for him, if he was black he would have been found guilty.
What’s the worst thing about being suicidal?
The school shooter will always spare you.
Did you see the dyslexic kid try to write down “funeral?”
No? Shame, it was real fun.
Do you know that “I’m sorry” and “I apologize” usually mean the same thing?
Except at a funeral.
Did you hear about the young man who brought floral arrangements in the shape of a life jacket on his friend’s funeral who drowned last week?
Everyone was furious, but he explained, “It’s what he would have wanted.”
What do you do when you finish a magazine in the hospital?
Reload and keep firing!
Due to her death, you can no longer get a letter from the Queen when you turn 100.
Instead, you now receive a text from Prince Andrew when you turn 14.