Year jokes

Our Human Services Minister is just mad because his wife cheated on him 20 years ago.

With their brother.

I got fired from my paramedic job on the first day. I told an eight-year-old who lost his leg in a car accident to "walk it off."

Job Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in the next five years?

Me: I'd say my biggest weakness is listening.

I dated a lot of girls before I married my wife. I was living with one of them when I arrived home one day to find her bags packed and next to the door. I asked her, "Baby, what's going on?" She said, "I'm leaving you."

"But why?" I replied.

"Because you're a pedophile!" she answered.

"That's a pretty big word for a six-year-old," I said.

When did Michael say, "This is it"?

2009.

Why do orphans have 363 days in a year?

Because they have no Father's or Mother's days.

A teenage boy decides to go see a hooker for the first time and asks his experienced uncle for some tips.

"Uncle, what should I do about the hooker name? Should I ask her real name or should I come up with a name for her myself?"

"Kid, I've been fucking hookers for 20 years and I didn't even know they had names."

What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One’s a Good Year, the other’s a great year.

I like my women like I like my scotch:

12 years old and mixed with coke.

My girlfriend called me pedophile today.

Big word for a 12-year-old.

Been single for a couple of years and then I met this Muslim girl. She soon put the spark back into things.

If you look for something for 10 days and a woman walks in, opens a cabinet, and finds it:

So, just hire a female pope for the Holy Grail that has been missing for 500 years so she just opens a cabinet and she finds it.

My cousin is a surgeon.

Last year he botched a surgery he was doing on a patient who happened to be gay. He's being sued for malpractice for turning a fruit into a vegetable.

Pierre Poilievre has lost the government position he had for 20 years.

Bet he wishes his mom HAD used that coat hanger.

The time when Michael Jackson came in his pajamas during the trial. Whether or not it was because he saw a 7-year-old boy has yet to be determined.

When you hear Michael Jackson talk about his "perfect 10," make sure you hide your 10-year-old son.

What do you call a 90-year-old black man?

Antique farming equipment.

While an unsuspecting father's at the office making money, this 18 year old son will spend his day in mother's cunny.

We're at the breakfast table, father eats and takes his calls, he doesn't know my mother's toes are kneading at my balls.

I was in a school shooting a few years ago, 3 people died.

I guess that’s what you get when you’re bad at hide and seek.

Why is Santa's sack always full?

Because he only comes once a year.