Work jokes

I got to work.

Ben: Oh no, my boss is here. I hate my job and I'm terrified of my boss.

Ben: Uh, hey, hey Mr. Boss.

Boss: Have a nice day.

Ben: Ok, bye!

Boss:??

Do you want to hear a joke about a construction?

Sorry, still working on it!

Kid: Hey, Dad.

Dad: You're an hour late.

Kid: No, it was two hours. Also, I was working on math.

Dad: By yourself?

Kid: No.

Dad: A boy?

Kid: I was with the teacher.

Just got a new internet connected toaster. It wouldn't work until I enabled pop-ups!

I had some puns about construction, but I'm still working on them.

Mom, why was I adopted?

Because people are terrible, and that’s how the world works, son!

Ok, Dad, the world is TERRIBLE!

My nephew hated working outside in landscaping, so I got him a job in the twin towers; I don't know why he keeps complaining about it being an inside job.

It was September 10, 2001, when I stayed up watching TV shows.

I woke up late for work at The World Trade Center, but it was burning. I said out loud, "I was late! I'm happy I was late to work! I mean... I could've di-" I was then beaten and bruised by the emergency services.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to start to build the still for Jill.

Jack stopped and said to drunkin' Jill, "To build this still will take so long."

Jill said to Jack, "Well, f--k the still and kiss my ass, and watch me take another pill!"

What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? Slap it on the arse and tell it to keep going!

A drunk guy is showing friends his new apartment.

The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.

"What's that gong for?" the friend asks him.

"It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock."

"How does it work?"

The guy picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, "For God's sake, you asshole, it's 3:30 in the god damn morning!"

I asked my uncle why he was living on the streets.

He said that he wasn't always on the streets, he used to have a job at these two towers. I asked him what happened, and he said two planes happened.

Where do you go if you lost a pencil?

Office Works! They have solved loads of pencil cases.

So what is the difference between a real doctor and a doctor of philosophy?

One cures the sick and the other makes them sick!

When I was walking home, a couple of married guys were saying, "Your mom is good at her job," but I realized my mom doesn't work.

So I ask my mom, "Why are these guys saying you're good at your job? You don't work." My mom said, "Yeah, I got a new job." So I said, "What do you do?" My mom said, "Job hand, no, I mean it's called a hand job."

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.

Why did the booty get a job?

To make ends meet!

Yo mama so short, she went to see Santa and he told her to get back to work!

I gave up my seat to blind lady because she couldn't find any--let's just say I lost my job as a bus driver.

A skeleton had a job interview, but he looked messy.

I had to fix his collarbone.