Work jokes

We have a new member of staff here today. He has no arms, no legs, and no body. He will be known as "The Head."

Paddy and Seamus work at the Guinness factory, and Seamus has a horrible accident and dies at work.

Paddy agrees to tell Seamus' wife the bad news. He knocks on the door, and Seamus' wife answers. "What's happened, Paddy?" Paddy frowns. "I'm sorry to say poor Seamus fell into the Guinness vat and drowned, I'm so sorry." She started to cry and asked Paddy: "Did he at least die quickly?" Seamus shook his head, "No, he got out 3 times for a pee."

What’s the difference between a prostitute and a hockey player?

A hockey player gets to shower after three periods.

I used to have a friend who worked at a car shop who liked hunting.

I’m not friends with him anymore because he turned my dog into a car-pet.

My husband left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what he's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!

I lent my sister my bed. The next morning, she told me it worked like a dream.

Relationships are like fat people.

Most of them don’t work out.

How did the security guard at the orchid get better at his job? He got an Apple Watch.

Did you hear the one about the Polish elevator operator?

He was fired from his job because he couldn’t learn the route.

I would make a joke about 9/11, but my career would crash and burn.

Suicide won't work, I'm already dead inside.

Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing!

I tried to search stuff about 9/11 for a research project, but it didn’t work... I guess the site crashed.

2k14 was so realistic when I switched to Kobe, the pass button stopped working.

What did Goodlife Fitness say to LA Fitness? "I guess it's just not 'working out'!"

Today, I learned that a group of piranhas can maul a small child down to the bone in under 20 seconds. Well, I lost my job at the aquarium today.

Do you mix concrete for a living? Because you’re making me hard.

Bill gets home from work late again, and Susan is angry. She hollers at Bill, "I AM FURIOUS. When I go outside tomorrow, there better be something that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds!" Bill says, "Ok." The next morning there is a box outside! Susan opens it. It's a scale! Bill hasn't been seen since October 2, 2002.

Why did the Headless Horseman get a job?

He was trying to get ahead in life.

Why didn't the orphan do the work?

Because when the teacher says they would call your mum or dad, there's nobody to call.