Word jokes

A man is on his deathbed in prison by electric chair.

The man who controls the chair asks for any last words.

The prisoner replies with: “Can you hold my hand?”

Puss.

Hana?

How do you talk to giants? Using big words.

Did you know the "f" in "orphan" stands for family?

Kid: There is no "f" in "orphan."

There is no family.

Why does new pavement smell like butt?

In other words you can also call it asphalt.

Ass-phalt.

An acronym for penis is Proton-enhanced nuclear induction spectroscopy. So just remember, the word "nuclear" is part of a penis.

Whoever put an "s" in the word "lisp" was a jackass!

Mr. Bunler.

If hi = hi?

Hey Autocorrect- STOP TAMPERING WITH MY CURSE WORDS YOU MOTHERDUCKING FORKLIFT!

What happens once every minute, twice every millennium, but never in a hundred years?

The letter M.

I'll never forget my grandpa's last words:

"You need to park a little closer."

Boss: How good are you at PowerPoint?

Me: I Excel at it.

Boss: Was that a Microsoft pun?

Me: Word.

Hi, I...

Sorry, my cat touched my computer. I don't know how to delete.

The joke is that if you take a cap off a bottle, is it decapitation?

Sorry guys, it's a hard word to spell.

A person had a child named Bl, another named Es, and one named S. The next was named You. They were a very unholy family.

Their children were shamed upon because their names spell out "Bless you."

What do you call a man with no legs?

Neil (kneel)

In kindergarten, we were starting to learn how to use "big kid words." On Monday, the teacher asked everyone to share what they did over the weekend, but we had to use big kid words.

Eventually it got to my turn, and the teacher asked me what I did over the summer. I told her I read a book. She asked me what book, and to remember to use "big kid words." I'll never forget the horrified look on her face when I replied with "Winnie the Shit."

Nasruddin Hodja was tilling his patch of land when a hunter came riding up.

“Hey, you!" said the man. “Did you see a boar run past?"

“Yes," replied Hodja.

“Which way did it go?" demanded the man.

Hodja pointed in the direction in which the boar had gone.

The man rode away without a word of thanks, but he was back within minutes.

“No sign of it!" he said. “Are you sure it went that way?"

“I am certain," replied Hodja. “It went that way. Two years ago."

Sometimes I think back on all the people I’ve lost and remember why I stopped being a tour guide.

Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”