Word jokes

What were Stephen Hawking's dying words?

"Restore factory settings."

My grandmother said goodnight...

She never said good morning.

I will tell you a story. There was a fruit named Pear who was named Dyck. He one day met his friend Carrot, who was later killed after being stuck into some girl's vagina.

Pear then became very sadistic and no one loved him, and he became mentally fruit-pressed. One day he met a Banana named Harvey Weinstein, and they got married and had children who were all named Minion. Eventually, the rest of his family died, and Pear was left slowly rotting away. His last words were, "I have finally 'peared' the consequences of all my actions."

What did the chef on the Titanic scream as he tried to finish the dishes? "Oh no, the sink sank!"

Yeetus.

Dick.

A pun, a play on words, and a limerick walk into a bar.

No joke!

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.

They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.

The angel said, "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today, so I must decide which one of you will be admitted."

The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly took off her top and said, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."

The Angel thanked Dolly and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth, the same question.

The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever, and flushed it without saying a word.

The Angel immediately said, "OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven."

Dolly was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations, and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode, and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?"

"Sorry, Dolly," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are."

The "f" in "orphan" stands for "amily." There is no "f."

I will never forget my grandfather's last words: “The fuck you doing with that knife?”

There’s no "I" in "sex," but there’s a "U" in "cum."

Spell fuzz.

Okay, F-U-Z-Z, which also, it sounds like "F U Z's."

Boy: The F in orphan stands for family.

Orphan: But there’s no F in orphan.

Boy: Exactly!

Last words of the captain of the Titanic... "Where's all this water come from?"

What's the second to last letter in the alphabet? Y. Cause I wanted to know.

Cunt.

Oliver Savagê.

I still remember the last thing my grandfather said before kicking the bucket: "Hey, wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?"

It’s important to establish a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive.

What do you call a wheelchair on fire?

Hot wheels.