Woman jokes

A woman in labor suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!"

"Don't worry," said the doc. "Those are just contractions."

How are women like swimming pools?

They cost a great deal of money to maintain considering the time you spend inside.

90% of women don't like men in pink shirts. Ironically, 90% of men in pink shirts don't like women.

Why are gay men better than straight women?

Because gay men are more willing to look after kids once they swallow them.

I saw a homeless dude and gave him $1.

I saw a homeless woman and gave her $0.77.

If all women disappeared one day, it would be a pain in the ass.

Why did the woman cross the road?

What’s she doing out of the kitchen in the first place?

What has 2 arms but no legs?

A crippled woman with no more meaning in her life.

97 percent of women...

How long does it take a black woman to take out the trash?

About nine months and a day.

Why do women love Chinese food? Because WON TON spelled backward is NOT NOW!

As a son, I am so worried about the phone call message that my mom got from a member of The CDC. It was on speaker, so me and mom both hear. The message told my mom that she needs to personally isolate because two of the new symptoms is having big titties and a great personality.

Comic: God, you're a fuckin' virgin, aren't you?!

Gerald: No! I've been 'round the block loads of times; women practically drool over me.

Comic: Yeah, and the Archbishop of Banterbury, mate. A name like Gerald, and with added 'four eyes' like them shit pair of glasses from FOUR EYED SPECCY INSTITUTION, mate, the only woman your dick has been in was when you were inside your mom's womb.

A man goes to a motel room and sees a woman tied up and she said, "Help me please!" He had to do some forceful thinking.

"Hippity hoppity, women are my property."

What's strong enough for a man but made for a woman?

The back of my hand.

What does a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?

By the time you're done with the breasts and the thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in.

Three men die at the same time and go to Heaven. St. Peter says to them, "It's going to be a long journey to heaven, so I will give you a good vehicle depending on how much you've cheated on your wives."

"We'll start with you, Michael. Since you were quite the womanizer and cheated on your wife multiple times, you will be getting a Toyota." The man, embarrassed, left in the Toyota.

"Nolan, you were better; you cheated on your wife twice, so I will give you a Mercedes. Now, as for you, Mark, you never cheated on your wife; you are an absolute saint, so I will be giving you a Lamborghini."

The man in the Toyota saw the man with the Lamborghini the next day crying like a child on his car, and he asked the man in the Lamborghini, "What the hell is going on?"

The man in the Lamborghini says, "I just saw my wife riding through the streets of Heaven on roller skates!"

Why did the planes crash into the Twin Towers?

Women were flying the plane.

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf and sex."