Woman jokes

Three men die at the same time and go to Heaven. St. Peter says to them, "It's going to be a long journey to heaven, so I will give you a good vehicle depending on how much you've cheated on your wives."

"We'll start with you, Michael. Since you were quite the womanizer and cheated on your wife multiple times, you will be getting a Toyota." The man, embarrassed, left in the Toyota.

"Nolan, you were better; you cheated on your wife twice, so I will give you a Mercedes. Now, as for you, Mark, you never cheated on your wife; you are an absolute saint, so I will be giving you a Lamborghini."

The man in the Toyota saw the man with the Lamborghini the next day crying like a child on his car, and he asked the man in the Lamborghini, "What the hell is going on?"

The man in the Lamborghini says, "I just saw my wife riding through the streets of Heaven on roller skates!"

Why did the planes crash into the Twin Towers?

Women were flying the plane.

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf and sex."

A woman ran into a police station screaming, "Help, I have been graped!" The policeman said, "Do you mean raped?" The woman said, "No, there was a bunch of them!"

What's the same with a controller and a woman?

They both work if you hit them.

What do you call a black woman?

A Nigg-girl.

Bippity Boppity,

Women are property.

What's about 12 inches long, has a purple head, and can make women scream all night?

Cot death.

Do you know how many women have been pope?

Nun.

What did one tampon say to the other tampon?

Nothing, they were both stuck up bitches!

There's only one gender. Women are property.

So, I was in the woods the other day raping this woman when she screamed, 'Please! Think of my children!' I said, 'Ooo, you kinky bitch.'

Every woman will die in five seconds.

Mother: Dies.

Sister: Dies.

Girlfriend: Lives.

You: 🤬

What is the reason for why women never look to the right?

Because they don't have any rights.

I must have raped a woman in a skip. She said she felt rubbish.

What does a woman call Stormzy in bed?

Stiff chocolate.

What would a man say to flirt with a woman that has a big butt?

You are so butty-ful!

What do cannibals think when they see a pregnant woman?

"Kinder Egg surprise."

Women are like tornadoes.

They scream when they are coming and take your house when they are leaving.

Man says, "What's Ligma?"

Woman says, "Ligma balls!"

Baby says nothing, she transgender.