Priority jokes
Pro lifers: End abortion!!!
Pro lifers after school shooting: But not this abortion.
Superman has been called to a huge house fire. Superman: "There you are ma'am, everyone out and all safe!" Mother: "But my children are still inside! You need to go back an--" Superman: "Ah fuck'em..."
I decided that I'll end it all, but when I drove off, I remembered I forgot to do the dishes.
POV: Your grandma is on life support. I would unplug her life support to charge my third phone.
My career is worth more than your adoption.
Somebody shouts "Fire!"
Man 1: Get the children out!
Man 2: F*** the children!
Man 3: We don't have time!
When you unplug the charger to charge your phone, but you realize it was plugged into your grandpa's life support:
Two terrorists walk into a bar.
The bartender asks what they are talking about. Terrorist 1 says, "We are going to kill 14k people and a donkey."
The Bartender asks, "Why a donkey?"
Then Terrorist 2 says, "See, I told you no one would care about the 14k people."
It's telling that Ye gets more offended when he's called a gayfish than a Nazi.
I'll unplug your life support for my phone that's about to die.
A young man was crossing the road when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess." The man took the frog, smiled at it, and put it in his wallet.
The frog called out again, "If you kiss me and I turn into a princess, I will live with you for a week and do everything you want." The young man took the frog out, smiled, and put it back.
Then the frog called out, "Okay, okay! I will be with you and do whatever you want forever!" The young man laughed and put it back in his wallet.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is wrong with you? I'm offering to be a beautiful princess! Why won't you kiss me?"
The young man said, "Listen, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is pretty cool."
What is the first thing you should always take care of first after a car crash?
The witnesses.
A girl and a dog were dropped off at an orphanage. Why was she crying before she went in? Because the people came back for their dog.
A mother and her 7 year old child are walking in the grocery store. The young boy then screams to a random woman “you're an ugly bitch.”
The mother grabs her son and says, “I’m so sorry, I must have told him a thousand of times to not judge people on how they look."
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap.
He was high on my list of priorities.
Aunt: On the internet, buying weight loss pills for 15 dollars.
Niece: I found that show on Netflix that you wanted to watch. It's 3 dollars to watch.
Aunt: I'm not paying for that shit.
Niece: Yet you sit there and buy weight loss pills.
Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?
So we can think about a solution in silence.
Three ladies were on a flight when suddenly the captain announced, "Please prepare for a crash landing."
The first lady put on all her jewelry. Surprised by this, the other ladies questioned her actions. The first lady replied, "Well, when they come to rescue us they will see that I am rich and will rescue me first." The second lady, not wanting to be left behind, began to take off her top and bra. "Why are you doing that?" the other ladies questioned. "Well, when they come to rescue us, they will see my great tits and will take me first." The third lady who was African, not wanting to be outdone, took off her pants and panties. "Why are you doing that?" the other ladies questioned. "Well, they always search for the black box first."
Humanity.
What is important?
frshfry we need to talk now!
Ratio.
Mom! (DYM 3)
If I was in a room with Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, Hitler, and my greatest enemy, I would pour out the bullets and beat my enemy with the gun.