Woman jokes

I saw a homeless dude and gave him $1.

I saw a homeless woman and gave her $0.77.

Why did God create women before men?

He didn’t want any advice on how to do it.

What is red, pink, yellow, green, orange?

A black woman dressed for church.

What does a cannibal call a pregnant woman?

A kinder surprise.

At the library, I got in trouble for putting a cooking book in the women's section.

How did the lesbian die? Homicide.

I like my women how I like my golf score: low in the 80s and with a handicap.

Can we have sex, because if we don't, I can't like you, big, thick booty!

So let's have sex in bed, you sexy woman, or behind a tree, because shoving my dick in your pussy is a very nice feeling while sucking your ass.

What do you call a blank piece of paper?

Women's rights.

Would you rather get a massage from a man or get major surgery from a woman?

Why are Black women dating white men?

So their kids don’t have to worry about not meeting their father.

How do you blind an Irish woman?

You put a bottle of Scotch in front of her.

What’s the difference between a woman and a mosquito?

A mosquito stops sucking when you slap it.

A team of cops and a news reporter are at a home where a violent crime has been committed. The head news reporter, in front of the camera, says, "A woman in this house has killed her husband because he stepped on the floor while she was mopping." He then turns around and asks a cop, "Has the woman been arrested yet?" The cop replies, "Not yet, we're waiting for the floor to dry."

What’s the difference between women and condoms?

There isn’t a difference; they’re both throw aways.

Two women, Jane and Emma, are in the afterlife waiting for judgement.

Emma turns to Jane and says, "I'm just curious, but how did you die?"

Jane replies with, "I burnt to death."

Emma, shocked, responds with, "That sounds horrible! What was it like?"

Jane answers with, "It first felt really hot and painful, but then I felt nothing. How did you die?"

Emma replies with, "Well, I believed my husband was cheating on me. I decided to leave work early one day to make sure he was loyal. I found him on the phone with his mother. I thought he was hiding something from me so I ran to the bedroom and found nothing. Then I sprinted to the kitchen and didn't find anything. I then jolted outside to the backyard and just found that he hadn't cleaned the pool. I was so tired from running that I fell over into the pool and drowned."

Jane retorts with, "Well if you checked the oven neither of us would be here right now."

What would Hitler be called if he abused women? Hither!

What do you call a flat-chested emo girl?

A cutting board.

Teacher, there are 3 birds. 1 gets shot. How many are left?

Student, none. They flew off because the shot scared them off.

Teacher, actually 2, but I like the way you think.

5 minutes later

Student, there are 3 women eating ice cream. 1 is licking it, 1 is drinking it melted, and 1 is sucking it. Which one is married?

Teacher, the one sucking it?

Student, no, the one with the ring, but I like the way you think.

What's the useless skin around the vagina? A woman.