Woman jokes

What does a burnt pizza, cold beer, and a pregnant woman have in common?

Someone didn’t pull it out in time.

If a man and a woman need a marriage license to get married, does a lesbian couple need a liquor license to get married?

An Ob-Gyn asks a lady to put her feet up on the stirrups.

Doctor: My God, you have the biggest vagina I’ve ever seen!

Woman: You don’t have to say that twice.

Doctor: I didn’t.

How do women hold their liquor? By the ears.

What kind of motorcycle do women ride? A menstrual cycle.

What kind of bike do women ride?

A menstrual cycle.

At the library, I got in trouble for putting a cooking book in the women's section.

What does a cannibal call a pregnant woman?

A kinder surprise.

Would you rather get a massage from a man or get major surgery from a woman?

Why are Black women dating white men?

So their kids don’t have to worry about not meeting their father.

I like my women how I like my golf score: low in the 80s and with a handicap.

What’s the difference between women and condoms?

There isn’t a difference; they’re both throw aways.

Two women, Jane and Emma, are in the afterlife waiting for judgement.

Emma turns to Jane and says, "I'm just curious, but how did you die?"

Jane replies with, "I burnt to death."

Emma, shocked, responds with, "That sounds horrible! What was it like?"

Jane answers with, "It first felt really hot and painful, but then I felt nothing. How did you die?"

Emma replies with, "Well, I believed my husband was cheating on me. I decided to leave work early one day to make sure he was loyal. I found him on the phone with his mother. I thought he was hiding something from me so I ran to the bedroom and found nothing. Then I sprinted to the kitchen and didn't find anything. I then jolted outside to the backyard and just found that he hadn't cleaned the pool. I was so tired from running that I fell over into the pool and drowned."

Jane retorts with, "Well if you checked the oven neither of us would be here right now."

What do you call a flat-chested emo girl?

A cutting board.

What would Hitler be called if he abused women? Hither!

A woman walks into a dentist's office, sits on the counter, and spreads her legs.

The dentist says, "I think you have the wrong idea with that." The woman replies, "Last week you gave my husband his false teeth; now you can get them out."

Teacher, there are 3 birds. 1 gets shot. How many are left?

Student, none. They flew off because the shot scared them off.

Teacher, actually 2, but I like the way you think.

5 minutes later

Student, there are 3 women eating ice cream. 1 is licking it, 1 is drinking it melted, and 1 is sucking it. Which one is married?

Teacher, the one sucking it?

Student, no, the one with the ring, but I like the way you think.

What's the useless skin around the vagina? A woman.

An old professor’s class used to begin with a dirty joke.

Following one particularly vulgar joke, the girls in the class decided to walk out the next time he began.

When the professor learned of this planned protest, he came in the next morning and said, “Good morning, class. Did you hear about the scarcity of whores in Newfoundland?”

With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door.

“Wait, ladies,” called the professor, “The boat doesn’t leave until tomorrow!”

What is the definition of a woman?

A life support system for a vagina.