How do you tell when your wife is dead?
The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.
What does Mickey's wife drive?
A Minnie-Van!
My wife accused me of cheating. I told her she started to sound like my wife.
Who's the smallest wife??
Micro-wife.
This city slicker broke down on a country road. He looked around, and in the distance, he spotted a farm house. When he finally got there, he asked the farmer if he had a phone he could use because his had no reception.
The farmer told him he could use it if he married his daughter. The guy said he really didn’t wanna get married, and the farmer said, "If you marry my daughter, I’ll give you half my farm..." The guy said, "Lemme see her..." The farmer hollered, “Hey you, get over here...” and she said, “Duh, ok.” The ol' boy looked at her and said, "Nooo thank you."
The father said, “I’ll give you all my farm and my bank account if you’ll marry my daughter....” The ol' boy thought for a minute and said, “Well I guess I can put a sack over her head.” So they married and the farmer kept his word and gave him everything.
One day the guy was up fixin' the roof and hollered, “Hey you, get me some nails...” His wife said, “Duh, nails, nails?” He said, “Yes, nails,” and showed her one. She said, “Oh, duh, nails, nails.” He said, “Yes, nails.” So she got him some. He was hammering away when he hit his thumb, and he yells, “Oh F*** it!” and she turned and hollered, “Duh, a sack, a sack, duh, a sack!”
My wife purely hates me for me having sex with our daughter.
It's not my fault I couldn't wait to get out of the abortion clinic!
Two drunk men spot a pig on some old farmer's land.
And they were real hungry (or so they said), and they both decided to take the pig with them into their car and eat it somewhere.
And so they did, and the farmer came out with a gun while they hurriedly drove off, and the farmer said, "Well goddammit, if it was a pig they wanted, why didn't they just take my wife?"
I always say I'm single, which annoys my wife.
Your mom laughs at your father, because he has an ugly wife.
Why does Doctor Pepper come in a bottle?
His wife died.
Wife: Hi babe. Husband: Hey. Wife: Do you wanna? Husband: YES! Wife: Ok, make sure you have a towel to go to the beach. Husband: WHAT? You mean go to the beach? Wife: Yes, what did you think I meant? Husband: Oh, nothing, bye. Wife: Bye, see you there.
I said to my wife that she's so ugly that she threw a boomerang and it never came back.
When your wife gets pregnant and you don't want a kid, just come on down to Momma Mia's Pizzeria and abortion clinic!
His wife shut off the internet.
When Caesar’s wife told him she dreamed he should beware the Ides of March, he scoffed and said, “What? It’s not like I’m gonna be stabbed 23 times by my best buddies!”
My wife called me ugly, and then when she found out how much money I actually make, she called me ugly and broke.
Why did the farmer's wife chase the chickens out of the yard?
'Cause they were using fowl language!
How does a cow introduce his wife?
Meet Patty.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Stranger.
Stranger who?
Stranger, why are you in my house masticating my apparent dead wife?
A pregnant woman enters the hospital with her concerned husband. As she goes into labor, a group of doctors asked him if he would like to try a device that transfers your spouse's pain to the father's nervous system.
He agrees and the doctors turn the dial on the device to 10%. Strangely, the man felt little pain. They continued to adjust the dial until it stopped at 100%, yet the man felt nothing. Later on, the wife had delivered the baby and the pair left the hospital with a healthy baby only to find the milkman laying on their stairs with a puddle of blood around his head, shaking uncontrollably.
