Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, like when I push my autistic brother down the stairs.
There once was a man named Dave who dug up a prostitutes grave, she was as moldy as shit and missing a tit, but think of all the money he saved
Who did the cow want to hang with?
The udders.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the idiot's house.
Knock, knock. Who's there? Chicken.
I had a friend who was a dwarf. He committed suicide. He jumped off a curb.
What's the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire?
One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.
My friend: You ever feel like life is pointless? *drives faster*
Me: Yea-
My friend: If you could die with one person, who would it be? *speeds up more*
Me: H-hey, you should slow down! Slow down, slow down! We're about to-
What do you call a blind German? Someone who can't Nazi!
John and Chloe are in school arguing about who has the more heroic grandfather.
Chloe says, "My grandfather killed 50 Nazis, he's so heroic!"
John says, "So what? My grandfather KILLED Hitler!"
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.
Then I was even sadder, because that lucky guy didn't even *need* shoes!
What do you call a person who doesn't masturbate?
A liar.
If you’re ever bored, then go outside and punch an orphan. Who are they going to tell, their parents?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Di.
Di who?
See, easily forgotten.
What do you call a fudge packer who has special needs?
A gay black male that has Down Syndrome.
What was Michael Jackson's answer to the parents of the little boys who were left with him when asked why does he do it that way? Tell them that it's human nature.
If the minions serve whoever is the biggest bad, then who did they serve 1930-1945?
My girlfriend broke up with me, so I took her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?
The other day, I walked up to someone who looked lost and he had all scraggy clothes on. I said, "Are you an orphan?"
He said, "Yeah, what gave me away?"
I said, "Your parents, buddy."
What do you call a disabled person who gets high?
Baked potato.
Knock, knock.
"Who's there?"
Not your dad.
