Whos jokes
Why don’t rappers play hide and seek?
Because good luck finding someone who’s always in the booth!
What do you call a white guy who can actually dance? Jewish.
When Pope Pius IX died, he went to Heaven, knocked at the door, and St. Peter opened it: "Who are you? What do you want?”
"I am Pope Pius. I want to come to Heaven.”
“Where do you come from?"
"Rome."
“What do you mean? Rome, Massachusetts, or Rome, New York?"
"No, Rome, Italy, of course."
“I'm very sorry, but I do not know you!”
To make sure not to erroneously deny access to an authorized person, Saint Peter takes the telephone, calls up God, and asks: "Hello, Boss, here is a guy who says he is the Pope of Rome, do you know him?"
"What do you mean: Rome, Massachusetts, or Rome, New York?"
"No, Rome, Italy, of course."
"No, sorry, I don’t know him.”
Saint Peter makes another telephone call and rings up Jesus: "Hello, Junior, here’s a guy who says he is the Pope of Rome, do you know him?"
"Rome, Massachusetts, or Rome, New York?"
"Rome, Italy."
"No, sorry, never heard of him.”
Saint Peter still does not give up and finally calls up the Holy Ghost and asks: "Hello, Smoky, here is a guy who says he is the Pope of Rome. Do you know him?"
"What does he mean, Rome, Massachusetts, or Rome, New York?"
"He says Rome, Italy."
"No, sorry, I’m afraid I do not know this guy." But then, after a very short while, he continues: "Wait, wait, tell me, is that the guy who invented the damn story about Mary and me?"
How you guys not even know who did it? Hahahahaha.
Did you hear about the woman who put her husband’s ashes in a burrito?
He gets to tear that ass up one more time.
A gay couple and a lesbian couple are going on a cruise. Who gets there first?
Obviously, the lesbian couple; they got their lickety-split. The gay couple was still packing their shit.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To visit the idiot.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
The chicken.
The chicken who?
*Silence*
I had a friend who got shot in the head.
Guess you could say he was...
Blown Away!
What do you call a rapper who works at the BANK?
Lil Teller.
If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery... I’ll kill him with my bear hands.
Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The Bushes.
My girlfriend who is a Jehovah's Witness had sex with me so hard, she turned to Christianity.
Who led the Israelites through the semipermeable membrane?
Osmoses.
Who cooks in a lesbian relationship?
Neither one of them, they eat out.
What does a white person say when they're surrounded by black guys? "Hey, who turned the lights out?!"
One day a local pastor was visiting the home of some parishioners who had a teenage son. The parents were worried about what career their son would choose, so the pastor said he had a simple test that could predict what would become of him.
He would put three objects on a table and let the young man choose whichever one he wanted to have: a Bible, a wallet, and a bottle of scotch. If the boy chose the Bible, he would probably become a priest; if he chose the wallet, he'd be a banker; and if he chose the bottle, he'd become a worthless bum.
So the parents called their son into the room, and the pastor told him he could have whichever object he wished. When the boy promptly picked up all three, the pastor cried out, "Heaven forbid! He's going to be a Jesuit!"
What do you call it when a bunch of guys who look the same have an orgy?
A doppelgangbang.
Sparkling water was invented by Germans. Who else would add gas?
Did you hear about the guy who was arrested for stealing luggage? Unfortunately, he lost his case.
Woman: I want a man who is 6 feet and 6 inches.
Man: Is 6 feet and 6 inches one thing or two?
Woman: Two, I want a man who is 6 feet and also is 6 inches.
Man: Shit!