When jokes

A policeman found a dead body of a man on the street. He thought he recognized the body and the 2 friends he usually hung out with, so he called in one of the friends.

The friend looked into the dead body's face and said, "Yep, that's definitely Joe," but then, to be absolutely sure, he turned the body over, pulled down the back of his pants, and said, "Oh no, wait, that's not Joe." The policeman called in the 2nd friend. The 2nd friend looked into the dead body's face and said, "Yep, that's definitely Joe," but then, to be absolutely sure, he turned the body over, pulled down the back of his pants, and said, "Oh no, wait, that's not Joe." Confused, the policeman asked, "How is it that when you look into his face you're sure he is your friend, but when you look at his ass you're sure he is not?"

The 1st friend said, "Well, you see, Joe has 2 assholes." "Are you serious?" the policeman asked. "Oh yes," he replied, "we've never actually seen them, but when the 3 of us hang out together people point and say, 'Hey, there's Joe with those 2 assholes.'"

The police department made a new machine that will teleport you back to prison if you commit a crime. The police release 4 criminals: a hacker, a rapist, a serial killer, and a drug lord. The hacker tries to hack a bank. The hacker gets teleported back to prison. The drug lord tries to cook meth. The drug lord gets teleported back to prison. Now the serial killer decides that she wants to change, but when she sees a knife she just can’t help it. She bends down to pick up the knife and the rapist gets teleported back to prison.

So, I was in the church the other day, raping this woman, when she screamed, 'Please! Think of my children!' I said, 'Ooo, you kinky bitch.'

I was gonna say when you were born your mum saw you and screamed, but I remembered you were adopted...

How does an Alabama mother know when her daughter is on her period? She can taste the blood on her son’s penis.

What's the difference between kinky and perverted? Kinky is when you tickle your girlfriend with a feather, perverted is when you use the whole bird.

What do you do when you see a kid alone? You beat them up and say, "It was self-defense!"

Why do midgets laugh when they run?

Because the grass tickles their balls.

What did Stephen Hawking say when he died?

I'm logging out.

What's red, 6 inches long, and makes my girlfriend cry when I feed it to her?

Her miscarriage.

Yo mama so ugly that when she was born, the doctor looked at her face, then at her butt and said, "Twins!"

My grandpa said I was too reliant on technology when he saw me on my phone. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

When her head game is so strong, she sucks the chromosome right out of you.

What did scientists prove when they saw a skeleton on the moon?

The cow didn’t make it.

Last week, I was on a plane to Manchester when suddenly the plane was hit by a ball. I wondered where it came from, but I soon realized it was none other than Penaldo practicing his free kicks. Shame on you, Penaldo, for almost killing me!

How do you know when your girlfriend is too young?

You have to make airplane noises to get her to open her mouth.

Sorry.

What flour do orphans use when baking? Self-Raising (Rising).

When do astronauts eat lunch?

At launch time.

I started crying when dad was cutting onions.

Onions was such a good dog.

When I was a kid, I used to read a lot. I mainly grew up reading stories by Shakespeare, especially the story Romeo & Juliet. That one in particular taught me a valuable life lesson. It taught me to not be surprised when my girlfriend killed herself.